This modern day Notebook-esque romance all starts in 2013 (I have never seen the Notebook because I am not a fruitcake, and also do not like the band Coldplay). If I were a fan of the band Coldplay, I am sure “The Notebook” would be my favorite movie of all time. Anyways, this story starts like any other romance, with love at first sight. Before 2013, I never had a Costco membership. Me walking into the store was as forbidden of an encounter as a Jew and non-kosher meat.
To keep this story short and sweet, during 2013, my family obtained a membership. When I first walked into the store, my mouth dropped. The vastness of the store rivaled the Grand Canyon. Anyways, the first time I started to shop at Costco, I was amazed by almost everything in the store. At first, I did not know Costco was a warehouse club that sold everything in bulk. If you have never bought anything in bulk, then you ain’t livin’. Countless times I have been browsing through those sleek aisles and thought to myself “Hey, you know what? You can buy a 32 pack of Go-Gurt, and you will."
Just like every great relationship, there are the rough patches. Costco’s rough patch is the people that also shop there. If you have ever visited the website www.peopleofwalmart.com, then you know how crazy people can be at superstores. The people of Costco give the people of Walmart a run for their money. It’s like they don’t care how other people see them. These people must wake up every morning and think, “I am a shart-stain on the nice Egyptian linens of humanity. Guess I will go to Costco in my Crocs and wife-beater and just let loose.” I can’t but help grit my teeth and roll my eyes as I casually stroll the aisles observing these complete losers.
Another issue with Costco is the samples they hand out. At first glance, these samples evoke the same feeling that overcomes a prepubescent male at the sight of his first boob. It brings unsurmountable joy to see those pizza bagels come right out of the oven, ready to be consumed. But travelers, be wary, because with this great joy, comes great misery. As you begin your journey to those coveted Chicken Melts (which I must say, are orgasmic to the taste buds), like Frodo begins his journey to Mordor, you begin to sense the danger as you approach closer. The masses of these stupid people will soon consume your personal space, and you will be stuck in a mass of s**t-sipper (if you don’t know what this is referring to, odds are you are one too). You find it near impossible to escape, and you then begin to think “This is it. This is how I die.”
Just like every great relationship, there are ups and downs. Costco’s ups are, as a skater would say in the ‘80s, rad. Ever need 50 Pop-Tarts? Costco’s got them. Ever need a gallon of salsa? Costco’s got it. And don’t even get me started on the Kirkland clothing line. That stuff will never go out of fashion. I am sure on my wedding day, that is if I ever feel the need to be tied down, that I will be rocking the f*** out of some Kirkland shoes. You can jump so high in those bad boys. The downs of Costco are the furtadas you will encounter while shopping. Do yourself a favor and get a Costco membership, ya jabroni.
