Not once have I ever thought that in my life, I would be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I am 21 now, but it was only last year when I was 20 that I was told that along with my depression, I have social anxiety and borderline personality disorder. For me, this made me feel as if there was no end to the problems I deal with.
What is borderline personality disorder (BPD)?
BPD when a person has unstable emotions, unstable relationships with others and their self. Symptoms usually happen in a long-term pattern.
Every time I would visit my doctors office, I would be assessed by the nurse who would take my vitals. They would ask me if I had been feeling suicidal or depressed or even lost interest in certain activities in the last two weeks. Now, I'm not sure if everyones doctors office does this, but I have to go through this every. Single. Time.
One time while I was at the office for an appointment, I had been feeling pretty down for about a little over a week. Side note: I had been suicidal from 2010 to 2013. High school was tough for me, but then again who isn't it tough for? I know I'm no special case, but the way everything affected me I feel that it was pretty brutal. I would be in one bad situation one after another and I could not take it. About half way through my junior year of high school, I decided to change for the better for myself. I was tired of being pushed around and being told to kill myself and people hating me for rumors that went around.
When I graduated high school in 2014, I had gotten into a year and a half long relationship that September and I was the happiest I had ever been, despite the bad times that would occur from time to time. Once the relationship ended in April of 2016, I found myself being more emotional than usual, and not just around that time of the month.
My mood could switch up from "I love everything, everything is awesome!" to "Wow I really hate myself, everything really sucks." I found my emotions to be unstable, as well as keeping relationships with others, whether it was the one boyfriend I dated for a couple months or friends who I thought I could trust. In all honesty, it's those who I thought were my friends that made me feel so unstable. Being able to open up to others is a difficult task for me with my social anxiety and trust issues. When they would break that trust, I would shut down and not talk to others for a bit.
Now, back to the doctor (I get side tracked, I know.) I was told to see the psychiatrist who happened to be located downstairs from her office. After having a couple sessions with the psychiatrist, he had told me that my borderline personality disorder had to do with my depression and from what I had explained and told him about relationships with others and how I would freak out when I didn't want to talk about something, he thought that it would be best to prescribe medicine for it. I know people say, "It makes you a zombie, you'll feel like a robot!" but in all honesty, I would rather feel like that than to erupt on others and have my mood switch up so often.
After being on medicine for about a half a year now, I can honestly say I feel better. Not 100% better, then and now I still feel down on myself, but at least it's not as bad as it was last year. If you or somebody you know has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, you're not alone! I've been told that I'm basically just crazy, people make jokes, and it's not okay. I am always apologizing for my disorder because of past problems with others. You are who you are, there will be bumps down the road, you will feel as if no one will ever love you or understand you. I promise, everything will get better and you will be okay. There is a rainbow after every storm.
