We all get to that point of the year after months of being too lazy to go to the gym when you finally think to yourself “Well, I should probably work off the 10 pounds I’ve gained since the end of August.” You put your gym shoes on and something “athletic,” if a pair of Soffee shorts and a sorority tank with a sports bra underneath counts, and you get on your way.
The gym isn’t close enough, so you take the bus, obviously, because why would you ever do any extra work if you’re already about to force yourself to sweat for the first time in ages? Working out once every three months is enough, right? Because the thought of doing anything more than that for the nonathletic person is almost too painful to think about. You walk into the gym and think to yourself:
Oh my god, where do I even start?:
If you are truly nonathletic, a trip to the gym is one of the more overwhelming experiences, simply because you have no idea what you’re doing. Each piece of equipment looks like it's straight out of a Star Wars movie, and you wouldn’t even know what all those different machines do. So you do what every other girl is doing and march your way to “the curve,” a ridiculous, but popular, treadmill that claims it burns, like, way more calories than a regular treadmill. The number on the treadmill has to be accurate… if it says I’m burning more calories, I’ll take it!
Holy crap… that girl in the spandex and sports bra:
We all know how it feels to walk into the gym solely because you are feeling larger than usual from all the late night eating and good times, but nothing makes you feel worse than the gym rat. Those girls that are lifting weights and doing exercises you’ve never seen in your life will make you feel worse than the morning after a Taco Bell run. They have perfect abs, skinny legs that make you feel like a professional soccer player's, and you feel even worse about your Hillary Duff arms. You can’t decide if you should just leave now, or if their flawless back muscles should motivate you to keep working.
If only things could get worse:
Oh wait, they do. Right as the sweat kicks in, the cute guy you met on Saturday night walks into the room. If you didn’t already look like hell, your already sweaty face turns bright red, and you look down at your phone and pretend to change the song. As you try to make yourself look more athletic so when he notices you he thinks you’re legit, you get your headphones tangled and you almost trip while trying to fix them. Cover blown. The whole world definitely knows this is as rare of a visit as the Indiana football team winning a game.
Cardio is over… Abs?
After nearly having an asthma attack, you decide (15 minutes later) that it would definitely be a better idea to stop the cardio and try and do something that doesn’t make you look as stupid. You regret your decision when you see the perfectly sculpted bodies by the mirrors, but you go and grab one of the gross floor mats anyway. The workouts on the yoga balls look pretty effective, but when you try it out yourself, you realize your balance is way too off for that, so you stick to solid ground. After about 20 incorrect crunches, the burn is already too much. Taking a three minute break between every set of 20 crunches is fine… probably, and it doesn’t really matter anyway, because you’re actually doing something for once!
It’s definitely time to leave:
Too many people are around you and you’re feeling tired after 40 minutes of a half-assed workout. It’s all good, though; you did something active! Now that that’s over, you’re thinking you’re good to go until the week before Spring Break! You broke a sweat, did some crunches, and maybe you’ll even eat a salad later. Success. The nonathletic workout wasn’t perfect, but it did the job for now.
