I Believed I Would Die Before Graduating High School, Because I Tried To
Start writing a post

The death of my grandfather ultimately changed my life for the worst.

I was 12 years old. Naturally, I was different from many girls my age. I expressed myself in ways that others in my middle school didn't, and I really didn't abide by the fashion that others did.

I was depressed at this time, but not enough to set me off the edge. I did feel isolated, I felt kind of numb, but I overall was pretty ok.

August 15, 2012, my grandfather paid my mother and my stepfather a visit. We hadn't seen him in a really long time, probably not since Christmas. He was always away from us because of his wife, so him visiting and coming to see us was spectacular.

He sat down at the dinner table with his old cigar smell, his cowboy hat, and boots, and explained to my mom that his wife had left him.

He didn't seem that distraught. He didn't show any warning signs like the internet says. There was no speaking of death, no speaking of where his belongings would go, he had a smile on his face as he smoked and drank his beer.

The night after, we received a phone call saying that he had committed suicide.

I didn't know how to feel, at least at the moment. Whenever people spoke about suicide and depression, there were obvious signs, I imagined. My family and I didn't even get a warning.

This spiraled me into the darkest time in my life.

I was upset. Enraged. I felt so upset. I loved my grandfather, memories of us would repeat in my head. My mother never slept. My stepmother cried and screamed. My grandmother was heartbroken.

I went to the viewing, but I couldn't bear to go to the funeral.

I began to self-harm in order to cope with my anger, my frustration with the world. It made me feel alive in a sense, it took away the numbness I experienced for at least a few minutes due to the initial shock of pain.

It helped. For a little. Then it didn't help at all.

I wasn't really that good at hiding them, and Google didn't exactly help in giving tips. Two years later, after his death, my family saw cuts on my arm.

They took me out of public school and ultimately sent me to therapy.

At first, I didn't know how to speak to someone about my problems. I didn't want to bring up the bad in my life, I just wanted to pretend everything was going according to plan. My grandfather had died. I experienced my brother being burned in a grease fire. I wanted to pretend these things had strengthened me instead of breaking me.

I learned then that I suffered from depression and anxiety, which is hereditary on both sides of my family.

After therapy, I went through a phase where I was ok. I still had triggers where I wanted to cut, but I knew how to stop them. I found out how to cope with my terrible thoughts. I was ok, overall.

At school, I had been going through some things. My grades were slipping, I didn't really have any friends and was bullied. I was the weird kid in everything, and I wanted so bad to fit in and do something right.

I felt lost in my life. I didn't have any motivation. I didn't have any drive to do anything. I rarely slept. I tried to put up a mask, and I tried to interact with my family and what I had left as friends in order to look like I was okay.

May of 2016, near the end of my sophomore year, I decided I was going to try to end it all. I didn't want to hurt anyone like my grandfather did, but I felt as if I didn't have a way out. I didn't think that anyone cared. I thought everyone would be happier without me here.

I took a lot of pills. A mix of muscle relaxers, a mix of pain pills. I don't really remember what happened that day. I went to school in the midst of trying to overdose.

I felt terrible at lunch time, I remember because I called my stepmom telling her I was feeling terrible. I don't really remember much afterward besides my friend carrying me and the nurse checking my vitals. I went home, fell asleep, and puked. Everywhere.

My stepmom and dad were furious. They were ultimately hurt that I had taken the pills because they didn't want to lose me.

They changed my point of view on life. They showed me that people actually did want me here. I realized I had a purpose in life.

At the time of writing this article, I am 18 years old. I am 22 days away from graduating high school. It's very odd knowing that a few years ago, I thought that I would be dead before this moment. That I would have gone and committed suicide.

If you are having thoughts of suicide, please talk to someone. I overall didn't want to talk to someone because I was terrified of judgment, however, I wish I would have instead of trying to end it all.

Talk to your parents, a trusted friend, a teacher, a school counselor, or call the suicide hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or 1-800-799-4889 if you are hard of hearing or deaf. Getting help now can stop you from ending your life permanently.

Signs of suicide can be subtle. According to the Suicide Prevention Hotline, family history of suicide, loss of relationships, lack of support, and isolation can all be factors to why someone would like to commit suicide.

Get help. If your friend or family member is showing warning signs, help them. Suicide can be prevented.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

23 Pandemic-Approved Date Ideas That'll Send Sparks Flying From Six Feet Apart

There's a safe way to date right now and yes, it includes masks.


While some people would rather opt out of dating altogether during the pandemic so they don't have to wear a mask on a first date, others are choosing to listen to both guidelines and their heart in order to find love during the time of coronavirus (COVID-19).

Should you be one of the individuals welcoming romance right now, there are pandemic-approved dates you can go on that still adhere to guidelines (and yes, you'll have to wear a mask).

Keep Reading... Show less

I didn't believe the notification when it came through to my phone: Ruth Bader Ginsburg had died from complications due to cancer.

Keep Reading... Show less

In our patriarchal society, men hide from their feelings, but toxic masculinity is literally killing men. They swallow the pain and move on so that they can look, feel, and act "tough."

But, strength is derived from asking for help and voicing your struggle and, trust me, working on your mental health is one hell of a struggle. The real way to "man up" is to acknowledge the downfalls in unjust societal norms. Mental health problems do not mean that a man is weak, they are neurologically-based disorders that require professional treatment.

Keep Reading... Show less

11 Things Your Boyfriend Should Do Before He Drops $499 On A PS5

Let's start with spending less time gaming and more time with you.


Scrolling through Twitter this week had me rolling on the floor laughing as I read some of the hilarious tweets from ladies who, whether in a relationship or not, shared reactions to the news that PlayStation 5 is on its way

As this "buy your boyfriend a PS5" joke takes off across the internet, let's just say, there are a few things your BF should be doing before dropping $499 on the new gaming system — or, if the tweets are real for some, before you buy it for him as a gift.

Keep Reading... Show less
Politics and Activism

Sorry, But 'I Don’t Care About Politics' Is Not A Valid Excuse For NOT Voting

The younger generation of voters is so crucial to the upcoming election because our vote is going to shape the world that we are about to enter as adults.


When I ask my friends if they are voting this term most of them respond with "no" followed by an explanation of "I don't care enough," "It doesn't affect me," or "I don't keep up with politics," etc. I get it, as a college student I know that there are many other things to be concerned about like school, relationships, work, and friends. I also understand that keeping up with politics can seem like trying to keep up with an over-exaggerated reality show that has way too many seasons. Not to mention most news stations and websites are biased so it's hard to decipher if what you hear is true or fake.

However, despite all of this annoyance, as the next generation of Americans, we have to remember that we owe it to ourselves, our families, and to our futures to care.

Keep Reading... Show less
Tasia Sli

Tasia Sli and Anna Yang met in quintessential New York fashion at a chic rooftop event, inquisitive Yale grad Anna gravitating towards model/entrepreneur Tasia.

Keep Reading... Show less
Photo by Anna Hernández-Buces

"Do you have big parties on Cinco de Mayo?"

Keep Reading... Show less

Two of my favorite things in life are reading and books. Obviously, they go hand-in-hand. In my life, I've realized that there is nothing better than learning about the current world or getting fully immersed in another world. Reading can inspire, teach, and entertain you.

For me, the feeling of opening a book and smelling that fresh book smell can't compete with anything else.

Keep Reading... Show less

Expecting mother and wife to singer/songwriter John Legend may have accidentally slipped up and revealed the gender of her and Legend's third baby today on her Instagram story.

Keep Reading... Show less

20 Books About Latin And Hispanic Heritage Absolutely Everyone Should Have On Their Bookshelf

Any ally of the community needs to be reading these incredible reads.


I go through phases when it comes to what I like to read. I am typically reading two books at any given time: one serious nonfiction and one escapist fiction novel to have on hand and open up depending on my mood.

What remains consistent, however, amongst most of my fellow bibliophiles is a desire to try new and different authors and genres. I, as an Indian woman, have been partial to reading books written by fellow Indian and Desi writers since I first got a library card.

Keep Reading... Show less
Health and Wellness

I Asked 46 Women What They Thought About The Term 'Plus-Size', And Here's What They Had To Say

It's 2020, where change is inevitable and norms are not only questioned, but challenged.


We live in a world where it's become customary to push boundaries, break rules, and question standards upheld by society. Though try as we might, some of these standards are harder to conquer than others — body image is one of the top contenders.

For years, the body positivity movement has pushed for the acceptance of all marginalized body types not represented or celebrated in the media. Recently, we've gotten better at appreciating and accepting all body types, but one thing that's still lingering is the stigma of body image in the fashion industry — more specifically, the term "plus-size."

Keep Reading... Show less

Many popular TV shows are holding off premiers until spring, so most people are relying on their television subscriptions to get them through a socially distant fall semester.

Thankfully, Netflix was busy filming this past year because there is a ton of new original content coming in the near future. From mysteries to romances, here are some of the best new shows you have to check out this year:

Keep Reading... Show less

Taylor Swift Sang 'betty' At The ACMs And It Was The Perfect First Live 'folklore' Performance

I guarantee that Inez is spreading rumors about how fire this performance was.


The Academy of Country Music Awards were last night and the performances were wonderful, but Taylor Swift's live version of "betty" from her newest album "folklore" really took the cake for me.

Keep Reading... Show less
Health and Wellness

9 Reasons I Unfollowed All The Fitness Influencers On My Instagram Feed

I don't need to feel bad about myself because of who I follow on social media.


Throughout quarantine, something that a lot of us picked up on was working out. With all the free time, it seemed like the perfect opportunity to work on that "dream bod" you've been wanting for years, or to just feel good about yourself.

A common way to stay motivated and keep yourself on-task is to follow fitness influencers on various platforms. For some people, yes, this can be a healthy and helpful way to keep your drive. In other cases, however, this can do more harm than good.

Keep Reading... Show less
Facebook Comments