I Believed I Would Die Before Graduating High School, Because I Tried To

I Believed I Would Die Before Graduating High School, Because I Tried To

Depression can really change your perspective.
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The death of my grandfather ultimately changed my life for the worst.

I was 12 years old. Naturally, I was different from many girls my age. I expressed myself in ways that others in my middle school didn't, and I really didn't abide by the fashion that others did.

I was depressed at this time, but not enough to set me off the edge. I did feel isolated, I felt kind of numb, but I overall was pretty ok.

August 15, 2012, my grandfather paid my mother and my stepfather a visit. We hadn't seen him in a really long time, probably not since Christmas. He was always away from us because of his wife, so him visiting and coming to see us was spectacular.

He sat down at the dinner table with his old cigar smell, his cowboy hat, and boots, and explained to my mom that his wife had left him.

He didn't seem that distraught. He didn't show any warning signs like the internet says. There was no speaking of death, no speaking of where his belongings would go, he had a smile on his face as he smoked and drank his beer.

The night after, we received a phone call saying that he had committed suicide.

I didn't know how to feel, at least at the moment. Whenever people spoke about suicide and depression, there were obvious signs, I imagined. My family and I didn't even get a warning.

This spiraled me into the darkest time in my life.

I was upset. Enraged. I felt so upset. I loved my grandfather, memories of us would repeat in my head. My mother never slept. My stepmother cried and screamed. My grandmother was heartbroken.

I went to the viewing, but I couldn't bear to go to the funeral.

I began to self-harm in order to cope with my anger, my frustration with the world. It made me feel alive in a sense, it took away the numbness I experienced for at least a few minutes due to the initial shock of pain.

It helped. For a little. Then it didn't help at all.

I wasn't really that good at hiding them, and Google didn't exactly help in giving tips. Two years later, after his death, my family saw cuts on my arm.

They took me out of public school and ultimately sent me to therapy.

At first, I didn't know how to speak to someone about my problems. I didn't want to bring up the bad in my life, I just wanted to pretend everything was going according to plan. My grandfather had died. I experienced my brother being burned in a grease fire. I wanted to pretend these things had strengthened me instead of breaking me.

I learned then that I suffered from depression and anxiety, which is hereditary on both sides of my family.

After therapy, I went through a phase where I was ok. I still had triggers where I wanted to cut, but I knew how to stop them. I found out how to cope with my terrible thoughts. I was ok, overall.

At school, I had been going through some things. My grades were slipping, I didn't really have any friends and was bullied. I was the weird kid in everything, and I wanted so bad to fit in and do something right.

I felt lost in my life. I didn't have any motivation. I didn't have any drive to do anything. I rarely slept. I tried to put up a mask, and I tried to interact with my family and what I had left as friends in order to look like I was okay.

May of 2016, near the end of my sophomore year, I decided I was going to try to end it all. I didn't want to hurt anyone like my grandfather did, but I felt as if I didn't have a way out. I didn't think that anyone cared. I thought everyone would be happier without me here.

I took a lot of pills. A mix of muscle relaxers, a mix of pain pills. I don't really remember what happened that day. I went to school in the midst of trying to overdose.

I felt terrible at lunch time, I remember because I called my stepmom telling her I was feeling terrible. I don't really remember much afterward besides my friend carrying me and the nurse checking my vitals. I went home, fell asleep, and puked. Everywhere.

My stepmom and dad were furious. They were ultimately hurt that I had taken the pills because they didn't want to lose me.

They changed my point of view on life. They showed me that people actually did want me here. I realized I had a purpose in life.

At the time of writing this article, I am 18 years old. I am 22 days away from graduating high school. It's very odd knowing that a few years ago, I thought that I would be dead before this moment. That I would have gone and committed suicide.

If you are having thoughts of suicide, please talk to someone. I overall didn't want to talk to someone because I was terrified of judgment, however, I wish I would have instead of trying to end it all.

Talk to your parents, a trusted friend, a teacher, a school counselor, or call the suicide hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or 1-800-799-4889 if you are hard of hearing or deaf. Getting help now can stop you from ending your life permanently.

Signs of suicide can be subtle. According to the Suicide Prevention Hotline, family history of suicide, loss of relationships, lack of support, and isolation can all be factors to why someone would like to commit suicide.

Get help. If your friend or family member is showing warning signs, help them. Suicide can be prevented.

Cover Image Credit: Instagram

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If You've Ever Been Called Overly-Emotional Or Too Sensitive, This Is For You

Despite what they have told you, it's a gift.
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Emotional: a word used often nowadays to insult someone for their sensitivity towards a multitude of things.

If you cry happy tears, you're emotional. If you express (even if it's in a healthy way) that something is bothering you, you're sensitive. If your hormones are in a funk and you just happen to be sad one day, you're emotional AND sensitive.

Let me tell you something that goes against everything people have probably ever told you. Being emotional and being sensitive are very, very good things. It's a gift. Your ability to empathize, sympathize, and sensitize yourself to your own situation and to others' situations is a true gift that many people don't possess, therefore many people do not understand.

Never let someone's negativity toward this gift of yours get you down. We are all guilty of bashing something that is unfamiliar to us: something that is different. But take pride in knowing God granted this special gift to you because He believes you will use it to make a difference someday, somehow.

This gift of yours was meant to be utilized. It would not be a part of you if you were not meant to use it. Because of this gift, you will change someone's life someday. You might be the only person that takes a little extra time to listen to someone's struggle when the rest of the world turns their backs.

In a world where a six-figure income is a significant determinant in the career someone pursues, you might be one of the few who decides to donate your time for no income at all. You might be the first friend someone thinks to call when they get good news, simply because they know you will be happy for them. You might be an incredible mother who takes too much time to nurture and raise beautiful children who will one day change the world.

To feel everything with every single part of your being is a truly wonderful thing. You love harder. You smile bigger. You feel more. What a beautiful thing! Could you imagine being the opposite of these things? Insensitive and emotionless?? Both are unhealthy, both aren't nearly as satisfying, and neither will get you anywhere worth going in life.

Imagine how much richer your life is because you love other's so hard. It might mean more heartache, but the reward is always worth the risk. Imagine how much richer your life is because you are overly appreciative of the beauty a simple sunset brings. Imagine how much richer your life is because you can be moved to tears by the lessons of someone else's story.

Embrace every part of who you are and be just that 100%. There will be people who criticize you for the size of your heart. Feel sorry for them. There are people who are dishonest. There are people who are manipulative. There are people who are downright malicious. And the one thing people say to put you down is "you feel too much." Hmm...

Sounds like more of a compliment to me. Just sayin'.

Cover Image Credit: We Heart It

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Depression Is A Balancing Act That Is And Isn't In Our Control

Managing depression can sometimes feel overwhelming.

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*Warning: Before reading any further is that this article will be talking about heavy topics such as depression and suicide.*

Depression in this day and age is a very sticky topic to talk about. Yes, we are becoming more aware and accepting of the issue, but we still have a long ways to go in terms of really know how we can be there for people in a way that's most effective and where they don't feel judged because of it.

I have dealt with depression most of my life and especially going through college. It didn't become a big thing for me till I came to college, and then having to navigate my issue of it. Whether that's talking about it friends vaguely about it, bottling it all in, going for professional help, etc. It's one of the many reasons why I'm afraid of meeting someone new, or wanting to be in a relationship, I was afraid of the judgment and feeling that if I told someone they either might not want to do anything with me, say it's too much for them, etc.

Now some of those fears, in my opinion, were unjustified in a sense that yes even though it is important for people to be there for me in my time of need, I need to be conscious of how much I share and whether they can take that piece of me I shared. It's a balancing act that is hard to manage, but it allows me for a much-needed look into myself of what actually makes me happy, what doesn't, what triggers my depression and going out of my way to make sure I don't let it take control of me.

The depression took me to places, very dark places that I'm happy to have push through, with my depression it made my thoughts go into suicidal ideation, and even hurting myself, an act that I never thought I would ever do but thankfully I had people in my life that helped me overcome that and going to talk to a professional.

Depression is a mental health issue that most everyone struggles with regardless of where they're at in life, it can come like a tidal wave, or not at all. It's an internal struggle with ourselves, and we do our best trying to get through it. I know that I'm not alone in this, and if you're reading this you're not alone either.

Don't be afraid to talk about it, but be mindful of other people and how much you can share in order for them to be able to process it, go for professional help, exercise, hang out with friends. Don't let depression fully control your life, it won't go away but if we can manage it in a way that helps us be able to keep it under control then that's a win.

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline — 1-800-273-8255

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