No one tells you that overthinking, depression and anxiety could come with ADHD. They just tell you, you can't pay attention and that you're always hyper. That something so small as a hyperactive child can manifest into depressive anxiety driven adult.
In elementary school, I was diagnosed with ADHD by my fourth-grade teacher and guidance counselor. I didn't think I had ADHD, I didn't know there was something wrong with me.
I've never felt off, I thought my normal was just like everyone else's.
My guidance counselor, Ms. Kraus, published a book, "Corey Stories," it was about her son Corey, who also struggled with ADHD.
I never read the book. I couldn't remember anything about it. All I could remember was the first page. It showed Corey not being able to go to bed because of his energy, it felt as if there was "jumping beans" in his body.
As I child I couldn't identify, so I put down the book. I never got to read it because my fourth-grade teacher wanted it back so quickly.
So recently, I ordered the book on Amazon. Cory Stories was always a sore subject, I was very angry to read it in the first place.
When I was "diagnosed" no one sat down with me to talk about it, not even the guidance counselor who wrote the book. No one ever explained anything. As if Corey Stories was going to put me into perspective. My mom never confronted me about it or talked about it, neither did my devil of a fourth-grade teacher.
It was "Here read this."
Not an explanation.
Once I reread Cory Stories, I could understand why I didn't want to read it. Lack of color, all of the pictures were in black and white. But once I got past that, I realized Corey and I were alike. We both got sad easily, and people laughed at the both of us, made fun of us. We were impulsive and didn't know when to stop talking.
Corey and I hide our feelings, we try to play the tough guy like nothing hurts us. We always felt like people were talking about us or laughing at us. We were both impulsive.
Back then, when my anxiety got bad I held it in and hoped for it to go away. Just like I hoped all my problems would.
If I could just keep my mouth shut...
If I could just sit still...
If I could just think straight for once...
Everything would be fine.
There were many differences between Cory and I.
1. Cory's had sports and karate class.
What I had was Sprint Club. To get rid of my energy every week "Sprint Club" was my getaway from my fourth-grade teacher.
The kids in Sprint Club were quite strange, sometimes the other members would have temper tantrums and start freaking out. I could never come to the conclusion that those kids were just like me. We all had problems internally and no one knew what to do with us. All we would do is have small activities and then go back to class.
2. Cory spoke to a therapist.
No one ever spoke to me about my diagnosis. I had to find out later in life.
3. His teacher helped him with his ADHD and became more understanding of the disorder.
My fourth-grade teacher who was quick to get the guidance counselor to diagnose me, never treated me any differently than she was before. She always found a way to isolate me from the class, in the biggest ways possible.
She would:
Send me to a different class, usually to the meanest teacher's class, if they were available. They would either:
A. Put me in a corner and make me stand while staring at the wall.
B. Scream at me.
C. Both.
It's funny because she was the one who found me to be "special" and she put in little to no effort to help me. She couldn't understand me, and it came off as very mean.
I don't want to say she tried her best because she never tried to empathize with me or talk to me. I was always isolated.
When my mom couldn't come to the parent's day we had in class, she somehow put on the SADDEST song ever ("Somewhere Over The Rainbow, The Best of Israel Kamakawiwo‘ole") in the slideshow for class and rubbed my back while I tried my best to fight off my tears.
She gave others second chances when my first chance was my limit.
If a kid was bothering me, I told her, and she would say "I don't like tattletales."
But if someone told on me, she was the first to get on me.
She was one of the reasons I never wanted to go to school or wake up.
4. Cory was on medication.
I was not. My mother was threatened not to put me on the medications for ADHD because I wouldn't be myself. ADHD is usually treated with amphetamines.
5. Cory was aware of his ADHD.
I wasn't aware of anything, I went around as if my state of being was normal. I only found out after my mother used my ADD as an excuse for how I was acting. I only started saying I had ADHD because kids would ask me at school.
6. Cory is a boy.
A lot of conditions affect women differently, especially ADHD. According to WebMD, ADHD is mostly "inattentive for women, while boys are more "hyperactive and impulsive". This means women usually struggle with ADHD internally and usually go undiagnosed. I was diagnosed, however, the events that occurred after my diagnosis did not help me further understand myself.
I deal with ADHD every day. I can tell you, it's not just about being hyperactive. I've developed anxiety issues as well as depression. These combined symptoms make it feel like the world is constantly closing in on you.
Sometimes you want to hide.
Sometimes you want to curl up and die.
However, my disorder does not define me and never has. There's always someone to help, always someone to talk to. I assure you if you feel like this, you need to talk to someone.
