It takes one second to make a mistake. One second to have life flash in front of your eyes. But for people with anxiety, it takes one millisecond.
People with anxiety take precaution to a whole new level. They have to make sure that every step they take will lead them to the safe path, all risks accounted for. Their every move is accounted for, checked and pre-checked, calculated to the very dot. But not even those precautions can stop them from mistakes, something that causes them even more displeasure.
This past week I had one of the more traumatic events take place in my life. I have always been careful, more than usual, to not do anything too reckless. But with everything on my shoulders and one mistake, I dragged myself down into the torturous depths of anxiety and post-trauma.
I could not have stopped anything in that moment to have it go any other way. It was not in my hands. Looking back now, nothing would have helped that situation other than the Almighty. But I have to be thankful that I, and the others with me, were all alright. I regret the previous events leading to that moment in time, regretting going out at that time, trying to find where my day exactly went wrong.
It's something people do to make themselves find the mistake and to remember to not do it next time. However, sometimes we just have to learn the real meaning of an accident. Something that is out of our control.
It will take you a few days of nightmares and regret to finally accept it for what it is. Sometimes people will not be your best friend right after the accident because all you need is silence. Yet silence only lets your hyperactive mind make up scenarios to relive the incident over and over again; to let the incident creep up on you from the very dark shadows in the corner of your mind when all other thoughts are put to sleep. Like monsters under the bed or hidden in the closet, they come out and allow fear to seep into the holes of your mind. Soon the screaming will start and you will not be able to tell where it is coming from, but then you'll realize it's you. Except it is louder than even your voice can go which is when you notice you aren't screaming, no, its your soul. Your soul is begging for your mind to get over the torture. Your heart will be getting nervous all over again, not understanding what to do with the constant back and forth until finally there's silence.
The silence will allow you to focus, to figure out what is really important. Is freaking out important? Or is moving on? Pretty soon all three elements will learn to focus on the main priority and then slowly, but surely, you're back to normal. Back to being extra careful and knowing that this incident was just one to add to the books. Because life is about making mistakes and learning from them.
