You are alone. Mom has dropped you off with a tearful goodbye and dad carries in your last case of water. You sit on your bed anxiously waiting for the arrival of your roommate while you slowly build up the courage to talk to your other residents. But then deja vu hits you. You’ve done this before. You’ve sat on your bed and you’ve gone through countless cases of water bottles. You’ve prepared for the arrival of your roommate. Your courage was built up. But now you’re back to square one. Now you’re a freshman again except you’re not; you’re a transfer.
I remember this day like it was yesterday. My body is still recovering from the physical shaking I was trying to control. Everything I had grown accustomed to was about to change for a second year in a row. I had made the insane but brave decision to change schools from a small liberal arts college in Pennsylvania to come back to New Jersey. I took a leap of faith and began school at The College of New Jersey.
“I made a huge mistake,” was the thought that continuously pounded at the back of my head. Social media was filled with pictures of friends from my old school together, happy. All the while I was struggling to find someone to eat lunch with. My nights were filled with trailing thoughts about how miserable I had made my life. While my suitemates tried to reach out to me, I felt so unworthy of them. I reminisced how badly I wanted to give up. How I could not do it. The classes were miles more challenging than what I had been accustomed to. The students more academically groomed than I had been accustomed to. I slowly began to lose my voice and along with it, who I was. I became someone who no longer wanted to try. There were no programs here for transfer students. No welcome week and no transfer housing. I was thrown into the ocean expected to know how to swim but I didn’t, I was drowning.
Anger suddenly filled me and life with my old friends had become a distant memory -- until I hit rock bottom. Until I became someone that even scared myself. It was my dad who smacked me out of my slump. He told me six words that would forever change me. “This is not who you are.” And as much as I hate to admit it, he was right. I had been looking at my world upside down. I had been looking at what could have been instead of what was. I had been accepted into an amazing school. I was living with amazing people. This could be everything I dreamed and I was letting a negative attitude ruin everything I had ever accomplished. It’s not easy to build yourself back up once you've shattered everything you once were but I sit here as living proof showing you it’s not impossible.
You are on your bed, surrounded by friends you thought you’d never make. You're drinking wine and laughing. Though you don’t fit into all their old stories, you fit into the new ones they plan to make. Your pile of completed homework sits to the side and you toast to everything you will become. It is not perfect. You’re still the new guy and you’re still on the outside. You may even have moments of loneliness and anxiety. But your taking steps forward. That’s all we can do when we can’t go back. Fight for what you deserve and give it time. Life will become everything you want it to be if you have the faith to push yourself and try.
