I Was Addicted, And I Knew I Had To Leave, But I Couldn't
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relationships

I Know It's Toxic, But I Can’t Seem To Let It Go

Every time you get enough strength to step away, one lift of their finger and you're right back to where you were before. Basking in the initial high of their presence.

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I Know It's Toxic, But I Can’t Seem To Let It Go
Emily Gigliotti

Have you ever been addicted to something? There's a burning sensation inside that's always craving more. You're infatuated with the feelings the addiction brings you. The smell. The taste. The high. With addiction, no matter what it is, there's no such thing as self-control. The addiction seems to control you. It has its negative effects on your life, causing you to make a decision solely surrounded around getting your dose. It continues to make you think that it's meant to be, and you need it in order to be happy. So you continue to consume it, falling deeper and deeper into the arms of your addiction.

But, have you ever been addicted to someone? Just like being addicted to something, it's an overwhelming feeling. In some ways, I find it to be the worst kind of addiction; it plays with your head and your heart. It eats at you constantly. That person's touch, smell, taste; it completely consumes you, to the point of exhaustion. You know, and you tell yourself, that they're not good for you. You realize how toxic the relationship is and how much better off you'd be without them. But every time you get enough strength to step away, one lift of their finger and you're right back to where you were before. Basking in the initial high of their presence.

And that's all it is; an initial high. That's all you were to me at first; an initial high. When we met, I wasn't looking for anyone or anything. But things with you were just so... easy. Every time we were together, it was a time for me to step out of my bubble in the universe and enter our little world. I got attached to that other domain. I got attached to you.

I started to lose touch with the real world. I lost touch with myself. All I wanted was to be with you, just you and me, in that bubble. When you and I were alone, it was like all the problems of the world were a silent static in the background. That space was ours and all I needed at the time to escape the noise of the world.

Time began to tick and the circumstances changed. You and I both realized life was moving, but part of me was still so drawn to being near you. I wanted to feel as I was before when we were together.

The problem is, I knew you were bad for me. I knew you were creating change in my life I did not want. I continued to go back to you though, getting the high I needed from your attention and time.

As I did realize this, I did try to take a step away. I had told myself over and over again I needed to do it, but I was too afraid to lose you altogether. One day I decided enough was enough and walked away. There were so many days I wanted to say "fuck it" and just go crawling back to you. But I knew I needed to be stronger, so I fought the urge to contact you.

I was feeling good, feeling in control again. I was building my own bubble in the universe, without you. I didn't have the biting urge to contact you or feel your skin against mine. I was doing good.

You texted me today. And just like that, I crumbled back to where I was before. Craving our little universe and your touch.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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