I Could’ve Had Top Surgery By Now, But I Haven’t

I have written articles that elaborate the binding and taping process, but I have not elaborated on my thoughts toward top surgery..that is until now. I have been on testosterone going on seven months and while many individuals dive head first into finding a top surgeon or start funding for top surgery, I have not been eager to start any research. Although, I have saved and could probably afford it at this point because I have saved since I was a Sophomore in college, I feel as though this big of a change is far too fast for me.

Like many individuals that wish to transition, seeing a bra, tape, or a binder through a shirt is more or less unflattering (at least to me). I tend to shy away from any shirts that are lighter in color due to the thought of anything underneath my shirt showing. Too, many shirts do not fit the way I would like due to my feminine upper body. However, to compensate for this, I have done upper body and chest day at least four days out of the week. Chest day at the gym as well as somewhat of a healthier diet has "shrunk" my chest from a B cup to a AA cup (if I were to actually try on those type of bras again). While I am a fortunate one to have a smaller chest to begin with, I get wide eyed, embarrassed and upset to see my bare chest in the mirror. Having boobs (on myself that is) is not flattering to me.

Why I Want Top Surgery

I want top surgery to feel more comfortable in my own skin. Too, I want to be able to throw on a shirt and not worry about my boobs bouncing when running on the treadmill or having my bra strap showing while using the "male" restroom. But, above all I want to stop binding because I have started to experience major back pain. While I cannot tape for a while due to the rash and irritation under my armpits, I have been binding more and for long periods of time as I am constantly working or on the move. Top surgery would help me mentally, physically, and emotionally, but too I am scared of top surgery because it is a permanent surgery (like most).

First "topless" beach picture - July 2018 @ian_mackenzie24

Why I Don't Want Top Surgery

I have experienced an extensive amount of change within the last six months that moving any faster than I am right now could result in a high amount of anxiety and depression. Why would having top surgery cause depression when its something that I want? Well, I have yet to talk to my parents about it. I have barely talked to my parents about my transition. Although I am more open on social media, my life at home is very different. Yes, my friends and family have come a long way from calling me "Erin" to "Ian", but it is not perfect, nor do I expect it to be this soon. Six months, how is that soon? Well for parents that have raised me since an infant, yes, six months is soon.

I want to have my parents to get to know me as Ian before I make any further changes. I started testosterone on my own. I didn't tell anyone. Months later did I tell my parents and even then, I didn't really tell them. The only person I have talked to openly about my transition is my step-mom. I haven't told my dad I am shooting myself every week with testosterone[EH1] , nor have I told my mom. Do they know? Oh, I am sure. But besides third party (which is my social media and these articles if they know they exist), do they know what I do to transition and that is heavy on my heart.

Whenever I do set that date for top surgery, I want my parents to be there supporting me all the way. Not that they wouldn't now, but they would be supporting me as "it's a surgery" not as "my child is having surgery to become themselves". To me this makes sense, to someone else it may not. Little do my parents know, they are my biggest supporters, but they don't know who or what they are supporting because I have not taken the time to confront and talk to them one on one about who I am, what I want, and my thoughts. And as I am a very independent individual (which gets me in trouble some days), I know I will need help after top surgery and I do not wish to be a burden on them or anyone.

So, I could've had top surgery by now, but for now I am more focused on having my parents get to know me as Ian. I just need to take the small steps to sit them down and talk face to face. However, I too am getting to know my own damn self and below and behold, I have found out new things on the weekly about myself. Testosterone is not just a steroid that changes your physical appearance because I have noticed some mental changes as well.