Whoa, whoa, whoa, relax about your spring break plans already. I’m here to inform you that I have mindfully selected the best and most affordable destinations in North America. These rage places will strike large amounts of envy when pictures are posted on Instagram with captions like “no caption needed” due to the breathtaking backdrops, and overabundant signs of a great time.

So pack your bags and grab a case of Let's Party. Here are the top five places you must hit during the four, maybe five, spring breaks you are afforded here in college.

1. Kananaskis Country, CA

Have you seen "The Revenant?" The one where handsome DiCaprio looks like he needs to blow his nose the entire movie, but he never does? Well, if you've been on spring break ever, this is the place you’ll want to go next. Imagine a six day hike through some of the exact terrain as in the movie that will leave you wanting more raw fish in your life. You’ll leave this place changed. This could be due to the finger you lost to frostbite, or the missing part of your calf that fed a starving bear (all part of the fun). If that's not enough adventure, don't worry. Periodically, throughout the night, the natives will make sure you don't sleep, because you never do on spring break. Really, what makes this place so different?

2. Sebring, OH

Thirsty? Good, cause we got nothing but alcohol in our next party town, Sebring, Ohio. Recently, it has been discovered that lead has been contaminating the lame drinking water out here in Sebring. This has influenced a major increase in alcohol importation, resulting in stores staking themselves with liquors from all over the world. Order up a shot of Absinthe, lose yourself, and go crazy in this all too quiet town. Don’t hydrate your body and immediately destroy that belligerent buzz you’ve worked hard for. It's spring break, who drinks water?

3. Holladay, UT

So maybe you’re not trying to drink yourself to death in Sebring. This next place, located in Salt Lake County, will leave you wishing you were born Mormon. Followers/locals of said religion will not be partaking in any sexual intercourse that is premarital. So if you meet a girl outside a strictly PG movie theater, take her out and buy her a glass (or two!) of juice and get to experience the unbelievable stories she has to tell. Another great thing is no tanning! Don't even stress about having to re-apply and getting burned; showing any skin is a sin in this hoot of a city. Just make sure you leave before Sunday, as the entire place shuts down and no mode of transportation exists. Come spend your holiday in Holladay, land of the correct spelling and real religion.

4. Mansfield, MA

I don't know how you could resit pounding back glasses of juice out in the desert sun fully dressed, but if so, this next town will be the one for you! You can go out, get smashed, and while you are stumbling back home at 5 a.m., people are waking up and on their way to the bar (or work, who knows). Everything is totally normal here in Mansfield, they even have a super neat and unique way of checking IDs. If you plan to go here, don't forget your fake passport. Out-of-state IDs are useless unless you are over 25. Man up, show off your spring break bod, and take the trip of a lifetime out to scenic Mansfield.

5. Portland, OR

The last and most expensive place to spend your spring break is... Oregon. Some people think that the show "Portlandia," on Netflix, is a comedy, when in reality it's a bunch of mini documentaries promoting this city. Take a few friends to Portland and make sure you leave everything behind. In Portland, they don’t accept anything commercial made (what an escape!). Oh, you’re trying to pay for homemade brew at the convenience store? Try bartering that empty water bottle you tried to throw away in a compost pile a few blocks back. In six days, you can learn how to craft anything, from your own grass-woven, slightly itchy underwear to your own wooden toothpicks! Come and debunk the theory that Portland is strictly for bicycle and artisan food enthusiasts.

There you have it. Try not to have too much fun.