Graduation is approaching, so I'm getting pretty nostalgic. I've been thinking about the good, the bad, and the petty decisions that I've made throughout my last few years in school. And while the memories may one day fade, I find peace in the fact that some things will always remain the same. Those things being that freshmen think they can handle an 8 a.m. class, senioritis can occur at any level of college and that house/frat parties will always serve you shitty beer.
A few days ago, I decided to do a little Instagram poll for all 990 of my closest friends and I found out that wayyy too many of them have trash opinions. But the people have spoken, so here are the top four beers that you'll be forced to drink in college.
1. Bud Light
Ah, yes. The sweet and pure taste of a crisp, bubbly Bud Light. This is a delicacy within the college realm. The Bud is usually saved by the party host(s) under a cabinet or in a locked bedroom so that only a select few can savor its greatness. While it may not be the best beer in the world, it's definitely going to cost you a few more dolla dolla bills, y'all. The likelihood that cases of this bad boy are bought for randoms and the masses is slim. So because of that, like Smitty Werbenjagermanjensen, it's number one.
2. Natty Light
Our tried and true. The people's (second) choice. The OG. Natty Light. Not only is it the most popular beer brand in the United States of A (don't look that up), it's also the easiest to shotgun (or so I've heard). Natty Light is like the best friend that you've been denying feelings for your whole life, until one day you wake up and realize they've been with you through your highs and lows. It's not the beer that you need, but it's the beer that you deserve... Because we're all kind of garbage.
I'm not quite sure when Hamm's decided to pop up on the scene, but like Cinderella at the ball, that she was explicitly not invited to, this beer has shown up unannounced and caused a scene. I can (and have) literally purchased a can of Hamm's at a bar for 50 cents. A steal or ripoff; I'll never know. The taste of Hamm's can only be described as a cold, flat, off-brand, "beer-flavored" beverage with a slight hint of carbonation that resembles a flatlining heartbeat; faint and weak. While I think Keystone is "trash" (read above for more deets), I don't think that it's worse than Hamm's. The sweet release of death is better than a case of Hamm's. But, somehow, 25 percent of my Instagram voters/dumpster-fire friends decided that Hamm's was better than Keystone. Tragic.
Below, I have started a GoFundMe to help fund a new set of taste buds for all 26 people who voted for Hamm's. Please donate what you can and I hope you enjoy your day.