For those of you who have no idea what you’ve stumbled upon, Clickhole is the sister site of the Onion, and they create these choose your own adventure stories called “Clickventures.” Every week, my friends and I sit down, and go on one of these insane adventures. If you’ve never done one before, I highly recommend it, and that you start out with one of these gems. There are a lot that I haven’t even done yet, but of the ones I have done, these are definitely up there in terms of insanity. So, here is the top 10 countdown of the greatest Clickventures (so far):
10. Can You Keep Up A Conversation With Your Dad?
I don’t know, can you?
9. Murder, Cheat, And Fuck Your Way Through Boston
This one has a special place in my roommate’s heart, because she is actually from Marpuss. Luckily, she never had to commit a bunch of sins as a favor to the mayor, so that God could destroy Boston like he did to Sodom and Gomorrah...yet…
8. Can You Survive A Night On The Town With The Rat Pack?
In this one, you get to hang out with greats such as Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin, a scenario I can only wish was real. I could make do without the whole murdering a cultural icon bit though.
7. Fight For The Glory Of Rome!
Shape like turtle. Safe like turtle. Hard shell. Four leg. Eats lettuce. Very small. Very slow. Hard worker.
6. The Red Dust Of Harmony Gulch: A Tale Of The Wild West
Rattlesnake James, the Bossy Cube and the Clam-Noticing Kid; talk about a trifecta. Plus, you have your trusty talking horse, Dr. Nathaniel Bedlam, M.D. What could go wrong?
5. Can You Get Over Your Ex?
As long as you have Gormul and a lot of chips, you totally can get over your ex.
4. You’re Tiny People. Can You Open The Fridge And Get The Lemon?
Beware: this one is a challenge, and there is a death in it that I’ll never get over. However, you get to meet one of the greatest characters ever created, Music Duck. Just keep your eye out for Bed Thing.
3. You’re A Grocery Store Delivery Boy. Can You Deliver A Pound Of Ground Beef To The Astronauts On The International Space Station?
Between the fact that your boss is named Cuss Word Cuss Word, and that he is dating Grover from “Sesame Street,” who has many other boyfriends, or the fact that you’re delivering a pound of ground beef to the Space Station in order to kill a spider, it’s hard to believe this was even allowed to be on the internet. Yet, I’m so glad it is, and this is what I waste my time on.
2. Death Attends The Matinee
The classic to end all classics. You’re Sam Stonemarrow, private detective, and you’re on a mission to help a doe-eyed dame stop her blackmailer. But can you stop The Diver from being married to all the fish in the sea?
1. It’s Your First Day At A New High School. Can You Become Popular?
This one is an all-time classic for sure, and it’s all because of Ormul, and his famous treat. Just remember these three things, and you’ll be golden: watch out for the ornery little pickup truck, Carl’s Jr. and Hardee’s are the same thing, so don’t stress out about it, and it’s OK to kill people in space because there are no laws.
