[EDITOR'S NOTE: Dimitri Skoumpourdis co-wrote the following story with Nic Cotten.]
Ever wondered what the greatest fake sports team in movie history is? No? Too bad. We made the list anyway.
10. T.C. Williams Titans (Remember the Titans)
One of the most inspirational movies of our age, Remember The Titans broke boundaries and was, in general, a badass movie. However, there is very little humor here, and let's be honest: that's what this is all about.
9. Air Bud (Air Bud movies)
No interracial, desegregated team can beat a 4-sport varsity golden retriever. This dog hit more threes with his snout than Larry Bird in his entire NBA career. And he never wore shoes. How did he not break an ankle? He had four ankles to get broken.
Need a new slot wide receiver on your flag football team? Well the neighborhood dog happens to have better hands than Chad Ochocinco. Is your baseball team batting average unsatisfactory? Well there is a dog who is the second coming of Barry Bonds (and we're talking 'roid rage Bonds). These movies make no sense whatsoever, but damn I would love to throw down an alley oop with Air Bud.
8. Little Giants (Little Giants)
This band of misfit kids proved that nerds are better at football than jocks. (No, wait, that can't be right because I never made the football team.) Either way, the Icebox is a better middle linebacker than DJ Welter, and the "Annexation of Puerto Rico" is the greatest play in football history.
7. Mean Machine (The Longest Yard)
The Longest Yard combines all the necessary qualities of legendary sports cinema: underdog story, vengeance and Nelly. Not many things are more entertaining than watching Terry Crews play a character named "Cheeseburger Eddie" and this movie gets extra points for sneaking Burt Reynolds in as a shoutout to its 1974 predecessor.
6. Tigers (Kicking and Screaming)
This movie taught us that in addition to good coaching, all a soccer team needs to be successful is two ethnic deli workers, a small Asian boy mothered by two lesbians and a blue tiger-striped track suit.
5. Mighty Ducks (Mighty Ducks movies)
I didn't even know what hockey was when I first watched this movie and I'm still not sure I do. Regardless of your knowledge for the sport, we all love this movie despite the fact that it is about a high-powered attorney ruining his legal career with a DUI before eventually playing minor league hockey for the rest of his life. Sometimes greatness can't be explained.
4. The team from The Sandlot
First of all, everyone has a friend who looks like one of the Sandlot characters, and "You're killing me Smalls!" may be the most quotable sports movie line in eternity. As a team, the starting nine from The Sandlot had everything except for an official team name: a fat catcher, too much chewing tobacco, a signed baseball, a little squirmy kid stealing kisses from hot lifeguards and a crazy kid who could only say "Yeah yeah."
But let's get real: Who let an old blind guy have a monster bear-dog directly adjacent to the kid's baseball park? How was that a good idea?
3. Average Joe's Gymnasium (Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story)
No great hero is complete without a villain that stands above them, seemingly indestructible. Therefore, we must give praise to the Globo Gym Purple Cobras. The team of White Goodman, Blade, Laser, Blazer, Michele and Fran Krstinsfzxwxzxa (spelling may be off) made the Patches O’Hoolihan (RIP) squad become the heroes the world deserved. It truly is an inspiration seeing a team of everyday people and a pirate win a championship. As a great man once said, “Bold strategy, Cotton. Let’s see if it works out for him.”
2. Tune Squad (Space Jam)
Before you get too riled up about this ranking, consider the fact that this team was nothing without Michael Jordan. Bugs Bunny was too horny to sink a layup while Yosemite Sam, Wile E. Coyote and the Tasmanian Devil were more concerned with destruction than basketball fundamentals. People also tend to overlook the most egregious performance-enhancing drug scandal in the modern era when Bugs distributes steroid water to the team at halftime.
Even still, this is the most 90's movie ever created and will always hold a special place in our hearts. It also gets bonus points for making the Shawn Bradley Monstar contribute nothing of value other than a ready opponent to dunk on.
1. Flint Tropics (Semi-Pro)
Love. Me. Sexy. You may be upset that Space Jam is not number one, but you may also be a jive turkey. When we look at the greatest general managers in sports history, we must consider that the Tropics traded a probably broken washing machine for a championship-winning, veteran starting point guard. Talk about your trade rapes!
We also propose the NBA open a wing in the Hall of Fame for the “Best Player/Coach/GM” dedicated to the one and only Jackie Moon. Off the court, the Tropics provided sports media with two of the greatest announcers in history: Dick Pepperfield and the alcoholic Lou Redwood. The moral of this theatrical masterpiece is that when the going gets rough, slap on some eyeliner for the cameras and SOMEBODY HIT SOMEBODY!
