To my ex-best friend

You read that right. I ended a friendship somewhat recently and it was an epiphanic experience. There are so many things I never got to say to her, so many flaws I never apologized for, and so many problems we never resolved. I have found that when my mind is decided, I go numb and never truly feel just how sad life can be. So I guess this is just my way of seeking some internal closure, and maybe helping you find some too if you can relate.


We were more alike than you'd like to admit. Our fights were constantly about never owning up to our faults. We both pointed fingers to each other, and blamed one another for things that could have been easily resolved. If we just put our egos aside and saw how similar we were in our problems, we could have worked through our issues.
Our priorities clashed. You were always concerned with things that I didn't consider as important. I didn't care if we went to the diner at midnight and looked hungover, but we always took our time because you wanted to look great. It was a trait I never had, my body confidence was never comparable to yours. It was just one of the many things we found difference in.
I envied you. Boys would always run to you, and until I was around 18, I didn't need to feel pretty to validate myself. You were always dressed up for the occasion, and I had sometimes wished that I could be as fashionable. It was a trait of yours I always admired, because even now I rarely ever give myself the chance to look great.
You have more potential than you know. One of my flaws is my confidence and ego, and because of this, I always thought that I worked harder than you did. You are so smart, and when I saw you apply yourself, you could be anything you'd want to be.
I still don't understand your judgement. It always seemed like boys were an issue with you. When I was younger I thought it was amazing to have such an audience, but as I got older I realized that not all guys are worth the attention or mind space. I'm still worried about how you’ll be with men, and if you'll allow them to treat you right. You let ex-boyfriends get away with a lot more than I would ever allow, and I just hope you’ll see one day that no man is worth your ego strength. Ever.
I won't tell my kids that you were a horrible human being. Because you weren't. You still aren't. Sure, we ended things badly, and there was a good year of fighting at the end, but we managed a long friendship. My kids will only learn of the good memories we shared together, because the sting of us not being friends has worn off, and those times are all I want to remember now.
I am a different person because of you. It's such a cliche thing to say, but I learned so much about myself after having you in my life. I've learned about how I deal with tough situations, and I’ve grown stronger since. I have seen the similarities and differences between us and have grown more confident in what I believe in. You helped me turn into who I am, during the friendship and even after.
Contrary to your belief, I did have feelings, and I’ll always love you. You were in my life since birth. I didn't have a choice in our friendship, we just were friends because our mothers said so. It was great. But then you moved away, there was a gap in our relationship for years. While I just cut you off in the end, my heart was broken. I had been fighting a battle with myself for months, and I didn't know what the answer was for a long time. You impacted my life so drastically, I won't stop thinking about the good times we had when we were together, and I do still love you.