It's done. It's official.
Mike Pence is Donald Trump's running mate.
Yes, Indiana's "beloved" governor, Michael Richard Pence, is running alongside everyone's least favorite walking Cheeto puff in a toupee. This means that he will not be able to run for reelection as governor. As such, the state I have known for the last 20 years is losing the worst white-haired governor in recent memory. I never thought I would say this seriously, but thank you, Donald Trump. Your bigotry and your vileness has taken from this great "Land of the Indians" (which has known very few Native Americans as of late, thanks to, you know, genocide) the governor we despise so much that I wasn't sure if the Indianapolis Pride Parade was a Pride Parade or a hate fest dedicated to him.
(You didn't think you needed to see a couple nearly naked people walking with a caricature of Mike Pence in a Pride Parade, but you did. Credit: me.)
So, on that lovely note, the following is a toast to the new VP candidate. May you, Mike Pence, do the exact opposite to this country as what you have done to my state.
Well, let's get this started.
Mike,
Lil Mikey-- can I call you that?-- you started out life in Indiana, like most if not all born in Indiana Hoosiers do. For some horrendous reason, you decided to run for Congress, and for an even more horrendous reason Indiana chose you. Maybe it was your white boy charm, your quiet bigotry, the way you actually called yourself "Rush Limbaugh on decaf." Oh, how romantic. Michael, please know that I, like any other sane person, drink coffee for the caffeine, not the taste.
While in Congress, you sure did a lot. That's good, as you were elected to do things, but wow did you do a lot to cozy up to evangelical conservatives. In 2007 you sponsored the first bill ever to defund Planned Parenthood. My goodness did you start quite the precedent.
When Indiana mistakenly elected you as governor in 2012 over the guy with the best mustache in politics, we began quite the wild ride. You signed every single anti-abortion law you saw, making it nearly impossible to receive the procedure in this state. Perhaps the most well known of these laws was the recent HB1337, a bill so strict about abortion that, if someone miscarries a week into their pregnancy and mistakes it for a period, and doesn't give their menstrual product of choice a proper burial, they are breaking the law. No wonder Periods for Pence exists. Nothing says "leadership success" quite like people calling your office to explain their periods in graphic detail.
Oh, and you are a big fan of the Trans-Pacific Partnership, a trade deal so bad even the guy you are running with doesn't like.
However, perhaps what you are most famous for around the country is the Religious Freedom Restoration Act, or RFRA (pronounced, "riff-ruh"). With this bill you managed to turn much of this country you plan to VP for as well as organizations ranging from Angie's List to the NCAA against Indiana and threaten legal action due to the law's use to deny service to LGBTQ+ people on the basis of "religion." Sure, you fixed it, kind of, but it's still legal to discriminate in the workforce on the basis of sexual orientation and gender identity here, so you didn't help. However, you also helped inspire a beautiful SNL sketch and legalize the Church of Cannabis, so it's not all bad.
So, Mike Pence, you have made quite the politician of yourself. Now, as you move on to bigger and better things that won't involve politics (as there is no way Trump can win), I, Christine Hannah Sessa, joined by my fellow Hoosiers, have one final regards for you:
So long, and good riddance. You won't be missed.
