I worked an article a few weeks ago about what it is like to have an absent parent suddenly pop back into your life with no warning. I mentioned the panic and second guessing that may happen when you agree to a meeting and give your address. The article ended with that parent standing in front of you. This was something that actually happened to me recently. I never expected to get the message they wanted to visit. But I guess sometimes life throws you a curve ball. After not seeing my father for for years, and hearing from him only a couple times in the last few years, (one of which was a butt dial) it was unexpected to hear that he and his wife wanted to drop by.
He had stopped seeing me when I was about five or six. My heart ached for years, being torn between hating him, and wondering what I had done to make him abandon me. I have finally been able to understand it was not my fault. I have not accepted it, but I'm understanding.
As he sat on my couch talking about work, money, and how he was planning on quitting smoking, all I could ask myself is why this was happening. When I heard they planned on making a stop, I contemplated telling them I was too busy. I thought about every time I was blown off even as a young child. How my heart felt like a rock in my stomach, or how I felt numb for days after wondering why this time. For once, I wanted to be the reason why he was hurt. I wanted him to feel like me.
Instead, I had given him my address and secretly hoped he would pass on by like he did so many times before. While I sat and watched him snuggle up to his wife, I looked at him. Really looked at him. I saw every familiar detail that I see everyday when I look in the mirror. But it's what I didn't see that made me the happiest. This apple fell far from that tree. My children know I would never ever abandon them. They will never see me walk away, give up, or make excuses. They will see me fight and try harder for them.
I often wondered if I was like him and sitting there, I realized, I may look like him, but I am nothing like him. I also never realized he would teach me anything but he did. He taught me what I did not want to do and who I did not want to be. For me, that's the most important lesson he could have taught me: I have become a good parent because he wasn't a parent at all.
So to those out there that have had a parent walk out of their life and suddenly reappear expecting things to be fine. When you feel as though you are finally healing, and these wounds are being ripped open again, it's ok to deny them a visit. It is also ok to accept. Keep it nuetral, You also don't have to share everything that is going on with your family, or life. They chose to leave it and you owe them nothing. Once they leave, and you're trying to process everything, take a deep breath. You did good. You are strong. You can heal.
