As I write this, I'm staring at a shopping bag full of clothes at least two sizes bigger than I'm used to wearing. Part of me wants to return every last bit of it so I don't have to be reminded of what I went through today (the realization that life happens and my almost 20-year-old body is not the same as my 17-year-old body). The rational part of me knows that if I do return everything, I won't have any clothes to wear that actually fit me. So, for now, I'll ignore the bag and continue writing what I think some people need to hear.

A lot of my past self-loathing began in the front of an algebra classroom during my sophomore year of high school. At first, I refused to believe that the "oinks" and "moos" coming from across the room were directed at me... but they were. For someone who has always struggled with loving their body, that blow was difficult to recover from. For months I fed into the hateful things that were spilling from the mouths of used to be friends - "You're fat", "You're ugly", "Nobody likes you". If I could tell my 15-year-old self one thing, it would be that none of those things were true and, even if they were, they didn't matter.

I've never been a conventionally pretty person. I've never been thin, popular, the smartest, the most athletic, or the most creative of the bunch I grew up with - the list could go on and on. There's always been someone who outdoes me on every level. My first and biggest mistake was letting what I'm not define me. I am so much more than the size on a piece of clothing or the number on a scale. I'm more than being able to solve a math problem or understand economics. I'm more than my hand-eye coordination, or a lack thereof. I'm more than my inability to create a completely unique piece of art or writing.

I don't know how or when I started to actually love and accept myself. It was somewhere in between losing the bad friends and surrounding myself with the good ones. For years I've been fairly confident with who I turned out to be and grown comfortable in my own skin... but that doesn't mean I don't still have bad days or weeks where I fall victim to the lies again. I'm in one right now. (If there's one thing that can ruin your self confidence, it's going shopping to find that you no longer fit in the same size jeans you have for the past four years, along with breaking out like a pre-teen in 6th grade. That's beside the point though).

For those of you who feel these things, whether it be sometimes or all the time, I understand. I've been there. I've overcome it. I've fallen back into it. I get it. I know we've all felt like we aren't enough. We've all listened to the lies we tell ourselves and gone about our days believing there's nothing we could do to change them. I learned the hard way that this is no way to live. There's nothing fun about hating everything you can't change. My advice to you is to stop defining yourself by the things you aren't. The opinions of others should not determine who we get to be in this life. Focus instead on the things you are - Kind. Funny. Smart. Witty. Creative. Unique. Beautiful. You can't put a price tag or a size on happiness. I can promise you that there is no better feeling than loving yourself. It's so good to finally be able to look in the mirror and not hate what you see. It's a goal I've reached and lost multiple times. That's life.

You may not feel like you're enough, but I can promise you that you are so much more than enough.

"We must loves ourselves. You can't look in the mirror and hate yourself. You cannot tell yourself you don't matter, that you're not normal." - Bunny Bennett