If you struggle with this disease, then you’ve heard the all too common, “just eat." You’ve battled your illness while at the same time struggling to convince the people around you that you’re not making it up. There’s nothing worse than everyone thinking you’ve stopped eating or started purging because you want attention and sympathy. It’s actually quite the opposite; you want to hide. You don’t want to be noticed, talked to, pointed out or spoken about.
Our mental disorder just happens to be one that is harder to hide. Weight lost rapidly isn’t easy to shield, but we’ve tried. Bingeing and purging is like a planned schedule: you chart out appropriate times to indulge in your dangerous addiction. Inevitably, no matter what your disorder is, someone someday will find out. That’s the point where a decision has to be made: you either get past the denial and admit that you have a problem, or you curl up further into the dark depths of your mind.
Eating disorders are not unlike depression, anxiety, panic, OCD, drug addiction or cutting. Commonly, they go hand in hand with at least one other issue, and one of the illnesses listed above is sometimes the precursor. Despite the recognition these other illnesses receive, eating disorders still aren’t as publicly recognized.
It’s all very hush-hush when it comes to the disorder, and maybe that’s why so many don’t believe that it’s a real problem. No one speaks openly and publicly about bulimia; everyone looks the other way when their coworker continuously skips lunch. Maybe it’s more socially acceptable to be blindly in denial to the problems than to face them. It’s definitely easier. But eating disorders are the most deadly mental illness. They can’t afford to be categorized as “made up” anymore.
Most of the non-believers must assume the disorder is an angst-ridden teenage girl’s cry for attention. That it’s a rebellion. That it’s a stage, like puberty, that will pass eventually. You could not be more wrong if you believe this. This illness affects men as well as women. It isn’t only prone in adolescence- it’s possible to develop the disorder at any age, whether it be eight or 50.There are men and women aged 16 and aged 60 in treatment centers, right now. There are mere children struggling with their innocent reflection in the mirror.
“You look good, healthy.” Just because someone looks good, doesn’t mean they are good. Just because their weight is healthy, doesn’t mean they’re not engaging in dangerous behaviors.
I was bulimic for months and maintained the same weight. I appeared healthy from the outside, but I was slowly killing myself on the inside. Since I looked healthy, everyone assumed I was happy. But, when I was underweight, everyone thought I was unhappy. Even when I was out of treatment and slowly gaining my weight and life back, the general consensus was that I must still be depressed because I was too thin.
Just because I didn’t “appear” healthy, automatically meant I wasn’t okay. This is the issue for the non-believers: they believe the illness is cut and dry, black and white. That appearance reflects the mind. You’re still wrong if you think this way. There are so many men and women who are just naturally thin, who are just naturally curvy, yet free from the disorder. The world needs to stop jumping to the conclusion that only if you look unhealthy, you are mentally unstable.
So don’t tell me that I should just get over it, live my life. I couldn't live when I was about to die. It’s not a phase. It’s an addiction. Don’t remind me that I’m upsetting my family- I already know, and it makes the illness that much worse. It’s how I used to deal with my anxiety, with my panic. It was an outlet for my low-self esteem, for my non-existent self-worth. I was punishing myself for being myself.
There is light at the end of this long dark road, I promise. I, myself, am an example of this. Ignore the glances of disbelief, the harsh words of empty knowledge. They mean nothing. Keep striving for your life and cut out anyone who won’t support you.
