All my life I wanted to have the perfect job, travel and make enough money to live comfortably. After all, that's everyone's dream, isn't it? When you look forward to and work toward that goal there is nothing that can stop you, especially when you encountered a not-so-ideal childhood. I consider it a blessing though because it makes me work harder.
Growing up for me was tough and I didn't have the normal childhood or teenage years that most kids have. I had to grow up fast, take care of myself and make big decisions at a young age and never really knew what it felt like to be a kid. When you have to grow up fast you miss out on so much and it makes you resent life and people. Personally, I don't believe that is any way to live, but unfortunately, I had to live it. It took me a while to begin to love life and to be able to live it and I take partial blame for that.
As a kid, my parents weren't present; sure they were physically there, but mentally they were way gone. I'm not even sure they knew who I was half the time. They were never present in any of my life endeavours, such as sports games, concerts or parent-teacher conferences. Being the youngest of three, you'd think that I would get everything and anything I wanted, after all, isn't that how being the "baby of the family" is supposed to work? In a semi-normal to a normal family, yes it is. Usually, the last child of the family gets the most attention from their parents because after that one grows up, that's it; so the parents cherish it. I wish for nothing more than to have been treated like that, but as fate had it, I wasn't meant for that.
While I was left to fend for myself at a young age, I gained one of the strongest bonds with my two older siblings that no other siblings have. They aren't just my brother and sister, but my mother and father figures, my support system and my saviors. If it weren't for them taking care of me day in and day out, coming to my sporting events, concerts and making sure I had a hot meal every day, I'm not so sure I'd be here today. Sounds a bit dramatic, I know, but as sad as it sounds it is true.
That's the crazy thing about drugs; they take your mind to a place where you don't even know anyone or anything. It makes you say and do things that normal people don't do, especially to people they love. I can't say that my parents don't or didn't love me because I'm sure somewhere in them they do, but it doesn't make up for not being there for me physically and mentally throughout my childhood and life in general. In order for a child to develop properly, they need a lot of things, but one of the most important and up there on the list is to feel loved and cared for. When you lack that at a young age, growing up, you find it in others places to help fill the void. This can become quite dangerous for many reasons — they get caught up in the misuse of substances, drop out of school as a rebel to seek attention or worse, death.
Luckily for me, I didn't choose or think of doing any of those things. Instead, I chose to work so hard at being the best person I can be in my life so that I would never be like them. As great as that sounds, it still does have its downsides. Sure, it's great I chose such a positive path in my life and had great people supporting me along the way, but the void my parents left in me is still there. I don't seek it through drugs or ways to get attention, but rather, I seek that "love" I lacked from them in relationships and friendships. The downfall to that is friends and relationships don't always love you forever, that's your parents' job.
When you lack that part from them you try so hard to get it from others that you end up pushing them away. It really is a vicious cycle that it puts you through because in the end, you're still not loved and that emptiness remains in you. The thing I finally learned after 23 years is that it doesn't take another person to fill the void of your lack of love, it's you that has to fill that within yourself.
Once you are able to see that, life becomes beautiful and you see it from a different perspective. I feel at peace with myself, those who hurt me along the way and most importantly, my parents. It doesn't mean I forgive them, but I chose to not let it define me anymore. Although I am playing catch up in life, I am happy I can do it with a positive attitude. I appreciate more and I am working harder toward my goals than ever, so to my parents, thank you! Thank you for letting me learn this lesson in life, because not only did it teach me what not to do, it made me a stronger person.
To the unloved child, take it from me when I say it does get better. Keep working hard and appreciate all life throws at you, the outcome will make it all worth it.
