In the last 24 hours, I have read, cover to cover, milk and honey, a book of poems written by Rupi Kaur. One poem, in the section titled ‘the breaking,’ resonated with me. It is that poem (which I have copied below) that has inspired me to write this letter to you, the person who walked away from me, without actually specifying who you are.
“stay
i whispered
as you
shut the door behind you”
You walked away from me and thought very little of the decision to do so. Other things in your life took precedence over me, and still do. I never feel good enough when I think about us, and our relationship. Honestly, I don’t know why I’m writing this. You won’t read it. I don’t recall you ever reading anything I have ever written save a text message or card. I used to write letters and got no response, so I stopped writing.
Perhaps I’m writing this, not for you, but for me. As catharsis. I’m not one to scream and yell my pain, rather I break silently in the shower where I can pretend the tears aren’t really falling, it’s the spray from the showerhead that is wetting my face this way. So, yes, I’m writing this for me, because it won’t affect you, it never has affected you, not that I’ve seen. And I honestly don’t think it will, but that’s okay.
It hurts that you walked away, I can’t tell you how much, but I’m okay. It’s made me stronger and I’m learning how to heal myself and stand on my own two feet without you behind me. I know I can make it, and you’ll come back and congratulate me, tell me you knew I could do it, and I’ll smile and be gracious in thanking you. And you will walk away again. And other factors in your life will take precedence over me, and it will hurt, again, but, again, I will get over it, somehow.
What I won’t do is thank you for walking away, because I sincerely wish you hadn’t. As I grow older, I understand that you simply couldn’t stay because of choices you made, not ones made by me or anyone else in your life. The biggest thing you chose to do is walk away, and the biggest thing I can choose to do is forgive you. So that is what I’m doing every day, making a conscious effort to work on forgiving you and not holding on to the hurt. Maybe one day I’ll attempt to send this in a letter, and hope you read it, or maybe, when you come back, I can garner the courage to tell you in person before you walk away again. But, if not, it doesn’t matter, because I’ve said it and I did something you do quite well, I was selfish, and I did it for me.
Sincerely yours,
The Girl You Left Behind
