It never used to be so difficult expressing how I felt. I had never experienced anything bad enough to take that away from me. Eventually, I found myself shutting everyone out and completely shutting down when going through any type of crisis. Life had thrown its struggles at me pretty early on in my teenage years, and it was not until recently that I realized how much it changed me. But at the end of the day, I am happy with the person I became and the strength I gained.
1. I’m not in a bad mood or upset, it’s the thoughts in my head that I can’t get out making my face look like that.
I’m an overthinker, and thoughts are constantly being triggered in my head that I can’t talk about. It’s not that I don’t want to, I just can never bring myself to open up easily. When dealing with any kind of problem, I tend to pretend no one exists and keep it all bottled up without realizing it. Which is why sometimes alcohol can be a problem because we all know the phrase “drunk words speak sober thoughts”, and everything you’ve been keeping inside comes out at once in a way it was never supposed to.
2. People think you don’t care, when in reality you care too much. And it scares the hell out of you.
I can cry and scream all I want as long as I am alone. In the shower, in bed at night, anywhere no one can see me. But the second it comes time for me to show any sort of emotion, I’m completely cold. Trust me I care, but caring has gotten me hurt in the past so in my mind I need to be careful at all times.
3. The amount of times I have to tell people “I’m fine” in a day is more than I can count.
No, it’s not that I don’t trust you or think you’re not a good enough friend or person to talk to.. I just deal with my emotions in my head before I can express them. When it all blows over or I am no longer feeling some type of way about a situation, I find it easier to open up to people.
4. When I say I need to be alone, I actually mean it.
I don’t want anyone to come after me, I don’t want to talk it out. I need to be alone with my own thoughts and feelings. If I don’t get the chance to get away, I often find myself lashing out and hurting the feelings of the people around me and that is the last thing I want to do. So, once again it isn’t about the other person that makes us get this way, it’s the fact that we just can’t appropriately show our emotions.
5. I’ve learned that people don’t actually always care about how you feel.
And that is why I lost the motivation to be expressive. Of course, you have the people in your life who will always have your back, but sometimes we get unlucky and care about people in ways that just never get reciprocated, and that unfortunately affects my trust in everyone.
