Dear Meninst,

I understand where your anger comes from. I empathize with your pain. I'm not sure if — however, you understand mine, let alone yours. That doesn't mean you don't feel searing indignation. I need you to understand the bare bones of gender culture to see my side of the story. I need you to understand there are certain unequal allowances in our timeline that cannot be erased—such as the slavery and subordination of women and people of color. Gender politics are social constructions that shouldn't have to be followed. However, in the past and present, all over the globe, there are mortal consequences for insubordination.

I browsed many Urban Dictionary definitions of Meninism. Albeit unreliable — the source tone reveals unfiltered social dissonance. Some definitions written by men include:

"Menenist":

• A satirical Twitter account is taken seriously by feminists who lost all sense of reality long ago because it shows how insane they've become.
• An ideology that exposes the hypocrisy of feminism. Meninists believe in the true equality of the genders while feminism, by definition, advocates the separation of the genders by perpetuating a made up patriarchy and claiming to be a victim….

Feminist: I saw a boy wearing a #meninist shirt in class today, so I stabbed him to death because he hates equality!"

A less subtextual definition:

• "A person who supports the rights and equality for men."

John, over there is a meninist. He is sick of the constant inequality for men."

These definitions suggest generally, feminism is not about equality — rather it's about female domination. I assure, you, this isn't true. Many meninsts choose to demonize all feminists, rather than the specific people that make them feel insecure, unequal, and invaluable. Unfair and cruel treatment of men is not the same as structural inequality.

Feminism defined by a male user:

"Feminism":

• "The idea that stupid, ugly women believe and say they should get the same rights as men, and then claim superiority to men. They believe that men should still hold doors for them and pull out their chairs and treat them like queens. when in fact they should get off their fucking high horse and do it themselves. Don't expect equality when you believe in your superiority *** Bitches, sluts, hoes, tramps, cunts. #feminism#feminist#bitch#dyke#cunt#lesbian. "
• The result of society's failure to explain why women are MEANT to play a submissive roll in society. Feminism is the desire to either enslave or eradicate all men from the face of the earth. All feminism is radical feminism. Why the fuck would it be called "feminism" if it was for equality?"

(I can say the same thing to the author who believes women are nothing but stupid cunts. May I ask why he chose to include homophobic hashtags?)

It took me a page or two on urban dictionary to find a definition supposedly written by a female user:

• The radical notion that women are systematically oppressed everywhere they go by a grand conspiracy called the patriarchy, and that all men have some vague undefinable privilege about them which blinds them to real instances of sexism or something like that… Oh and that our culture encourages rape and shovels scorn at rape victims (called rape culture).

We have binary polarity — a refusal to genuinely communicate with empathy for both parties. So, where did the tides turn between seeking equality, and seeking revenge?

According to Wikipedia:

"The term meninism was used in the early 2000s to describe male feminists who opposed sexism and supported women's right for equality in society, politics and at work. By the next decade, the term was used on social media to make jokes which mocked and criticized radical feminism."

Radical feminism is wrong. Crime against men on the basis of their gender is wrong. Mocking, harassing, and ignoring the opinions of men is wrong. I believe in the concerns meninism was based on, but it is misguided. The term is offensive to me. There is nothing wrong with the desire to be treated fairly and with compassion — and the anger when you are not. Choosing this avenue is counterproductive because, throughout history, men HAVE been treated as valuable, secure, and solely capable. Women were and are not that lucky.

To deny the patriarchy is to deny the truth.

I want you to seriously imagine where a feminists passion comes from: walking alone, and being followed by a group of men — stinking of booze: knowing they have the power to rape and murder me. I'm sick of the academy, where 75 percent of Oscar voters are men. I'm sick of the lack of female directors and the wage gap. I'm sick of male lawmakers telling women what to do with their bodies. I'm sick of the constant line of masculine presidencies — this kind of social behavior indicates that bias against women is not eradicated.

Not even a hundred years ago in America, women weren't allowed to vote.

I'm sick of being ornamental and supplemental.

I need you to understand that your mind is seen, it is heard, and it is valued. Do not devalue mine to elevate yours, and I will do the same.

The crux is this: Meninism is dismissive of systematic patriarchal structure in which women are the victims, and men have easier access to power. Disproportionate anger from meninsts toward the feminist is misplaced. Equality of the genders is called feminist, not because it promotes female superiority, but because it acknowledges a disenfranchised group of people.

Men are the number one cause of death in women. Men are the number one cause of death in other men. I need you to understand when I say this, I am not personally demonizing you. I am not debating you. I am not raping you. I am not stripping away your right to vote or your right to your body. I am not excluding you. I am asking you to understand — that our hurt is valid.

Your hurt is more likely to be transposed into anger and violence because people tell you-you're not allowed to express sadness.

Female hurt is usually expressed by verbal contempt, which seems to be the main meninist quarrel.

Margaret Atwood once said, "Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them."

By disparaging feminists, using the terms "feminazi" — you are burning your own castle. Half the population has begun to breach your defenses, hungry and demanding. When the castle is burning, we all burn. Those with tangible social and political power have the means to escape, while others do not.

I hear you. I hear that you feel as though you're being treated unfairly. Things aren't mutually exclusive, no matter how much we want to believe. You can be upset with interpersonal female behavior, but you don't have to devalue an entire social movement.

Please note, this letter is referring to the general tone of broad groups of people, and it is not meant to be absolute. Only Sith deal in absolutes. I'm willing to work with you, but, if you aren't willing to work with me, you have done the exact thing you are accusing women of doing: not listening.

Hearing is not the same as listening, and listening is not the same as understanding.

Reading the book Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys helped me see your side of the story in a new light. I'd recommend it to anyone, especially men who feel suffocated. On the other hand, Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls helps me understand how we've gotten to this climate of hostility.

Jennet Kaya