I let you back in. You saw my blog about the jerk that played with my head. You knew it was you. We talked about it. You said you didn’t know that I felt that way, which was on purpose. You really seemed to care, so I believed you. I said I wouldn’t make that mistake again but I did. It’s hard to stay strong when you are feeling anything but strong.

But it’s really over now. I know that I thought it was over a few times before but this time it really is. I wish that I could have stayed mad at you the last time I thought it was over, and didn’t let you get back in my head and eventually my heart. Because now it is harder. I told you the things that I didn’t the last time. There is so much going on in my mind about this. There are questions I wish I could have answered. I am happy that I won’t have to put up with some of your crap anymore. And I am also sad that it is done.

Last time I didn’t tell you what I was feeling. I held it back so I looked strong and unobtainable. I did not want you to think that you could have me, so that I didn’t have to deal with if you didn’t want me. Last time I could tell myself that you didn’t care because you didn’t know how I felt. This time I can’t tell myself that. You know how I feel. You know and still don’t care. That’s one of the hardest parts.

I have so many questions now. Like if you would have known how I felt sooner would that have changed anything? If you say you meant it when you said you had feelings for me, how are they all gone now? How do they go away so fast? Sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder what you saw. What parts you liked and what parts you didn’t. If I looked different would that make things different? I wanna know why I wasn’t enough to make you think that you only needed one girl? What was I missing that made you want to keep talking to other girls? And will you actually commit to them like you wouldn’t to me?

Even though I have so many questions in my head. So many that sometimes they consume my thoughts, there is also so much that I am happy I will never have to put up with again.

I will never have to worry about you getting mad at me for seemingly everything I do. I won’t have to wonder if when you aren’t talking to me you are talking to someone else. Gone are the days of waiting for you to text me. I won’t have to go to bed upset that you said we could hang out but then you changed your mind. I won’t have to hide my phone anymore so that people can’t see that we were talking. No longer do I have to try and decode everything you say to me and try to figure out if you are lying or not. I will not be the person that cares the most anymore. I’m done with all of that. I am over being treated less than I deserve.

But along with all of that goes the good too. I won’t see you pop your head into my door at work just to smile at me. Your name is not going to appear on my phone screen. I won’t be the girl that wakes up to a good morning text anymore. I can’t talk to you and just tell you about my day.

The problem here is that the bad far outweighs the good. So it’s good that I said goodbye.

It’s hard, but good.

But I want to thank for you teaching me a valuable lesson, I am worth more than that. Before you I knew the way I wanted to be treated. I knew how I wanted a guy in my life to treat me. But in all my time of waiting, I had forgotten. I lost my resolve to wait for a man that was going to value me and treat me with love and respect. When you came along I was willing to except anything that was given. That is not your fault, that’s mine. I was in a strange place in life. I was just so over being single that I did something I thought I would never do, settle for the first guy that came along.

Through all of this there were times when I was tempted to wonder why I wasn’t worth you being the guy I wanted you to be. But the thing I realized is that I do have value. I’m valuable. But what is of value in me is something you don’t see value in. My value is so outside of what you can appreciate. That doesn’t make you any less than me at all. You are just as much as valuable as I am. Just different. We just see value in different things. And that’s okay. It’s normal. You not being able to see my value doesn’t mean it’s not there.

Thanks for helping me see this. Thanks for helping me get my resolve back and remember why I was even waiting in the first place. Thanks for the good times. And even though I’m sad whatever this was is over, I’m glad it happened.