For years, I loved you. I devoted my whole mental being to you, constantly thinking about what you could be doing at any given moment or cheering you on in my head for your Friday night games while I was stuck at work. I remember waking up at five in the morning to decorate your truck for you birthday, baking you cookies just because you wanted them, and driving you home when you had a little bit too much to drink. You were my best friend and the guy I loved. You understood me like no one else in my life and could make me smile in seconds. But you also could make me cry in seconds. You knew how to make me feel helpless. You could make me feel alone in a room of people. You never gave me a chance at love but you made sure you broke me into pieces.
During my whole high school career, I dissolved any trace of a separate identity I had into you. And when I got to college, seven hours away from you, I felt helpless and worthless. I missed you every night and texted you way too much. Because I had given you so much of myself, I didn’t have anything left. I’ll admit it, I was lost without you and spent most of my first semester as a college student crying and drinking to forget you. However, I always woke up the next morning emptier than before.
In your defense, you didn’t ask for it. You never dated me and begged me to get over you. I could never do it because my extremely emotional being set itself on you. Looking back on it, I now want to say thank you. Thank you for draining everything I was. Thank you for the endless nights of crying and cursing your name. Thank you for the many days I spent feeling worthless over you.
Because if none of that ever happened and I had never broke, I would have never learned how to rebuild myself. You can’t fix something that’s not broken. Since moving away from you, I have slowly been putting my pieces together, one by one. I found out I loved photography and joined a sorority. I made wonderful, supportive friends. I kissed a few boys that aren’t you. I have learned that I am much stronger than I give myself credit for and much cooler of a person than you think. I also learned to stop comparing everyone to you and to just accept you are a past chapter of my life. Don’t get me wrong, I still care about you and miss being around you. But now I just miss you as a friend and hope the best for you. Every day, I hope you are succeeding at your dreams.
As for me, you are no longer my crutch or my guide in life. No longer will I fix myself for you or change my attitudes and beliefs for you. I have learned I have my own mind and no guy can change it for me. So, thanks for showing me how powerful of a woman I really am.
