I was eating ice cream with some friends in an attempt to catch up with them. We talked about our love lives (well, my friends did), we talked about our new endeavors, and we talked about everything that's been changing in our lives. One friend said to me, "Did you hear what John Doe said? Oh--I probably shouldn't tell you. I'm not going to." Obviously curious, I begged and pleaded for her to tell me. What was so risky that she couldn't tell me? Did something happen to a mutual friend? Oh my god, please tell me! As I continued to pry at her, she finally said, "John said you were more attractive when you had an eating disorder."
I tried to wash the look of shock off of my face with another bite of ice cream. Did he say this about me recently? Does anyone else know that he feels this way? Do others feel this way? I subconsciously sucked in my stomach and smiled. I tried to pretend that it didn't affect me. After all, I was supposed to be this confident person that didn't let hate affect her.
We danced away from that comment rather quickly and went back to indulging about love lives and parties that my friends had gone to.
My mind stayed on his comment. Was I really prettier when I was skinnier? My head was spinning. I thought of every conversation I've had with John Doe. I searched my memory for every meal that I've consumed that week. I can't believe I had fast food that day! I should throw the rest of this ice cream away. I should download an app to help me watch what I eat. I'm going to go to the gym more. I'm going to...
I went that entire day feeling ashamed of my body. I was suddenly aware of every centimeter of space that I was taking up. I noticed the way that my skin wrapped around my body and my body no longer felt like it belonged to me. It felt like a prison that I couldn't escape.
That night, I cried. Perhaps because I was embarrassed that my weight was a topic of interest while eating ice cream with three people, all of which were thinner than I. Maybe I was angry. Angry at John Doe for saying something so cruel. But I was mainly disappointed. How could I let a comment that was so cruel and so disgusting get in the way of my entire day? How could I let one person ruin my day with friends?
It's hard to not let someone's body shame affect you. I have worked for years to love my body, but I'm not 100 percent in love with it. I may never love my body fully. Some mornings I wake up and feel like my plus size body is beautiful. But others I wake up and ask myself if I really deserve to eat that day.
For me to say that this comment didn't bother me would be a lie. But I've decided to look past it. While some narrow-minded people may agree that I looked better when I was thinner, I'm much healthier than I have ever been. And even better than that? I'm happier. I can go out with friends and get ice cream. I couldn't do that before.
So to you, John Doe, I hope that you can find happiness in life. The same happiness that I have found.
