At our age, we are under the notion that we are invincible. We are convinced that the friends that we have now will be our friends throughout the entire duration of our lives; and sometimes this is the case. Unfortunately, there are instances where we find ourselves in disbelief, as a friend’s lifetime has been cut short.
We’re young, and we’re strong. It’s inconceivable that any of us will pass before we get our chance. These are all subconscious convictions that are not uncommon among teenagers and young adults. However, reality does eventually kick-in, even if you so desperately wish that it would not.
I know that losing anyone is incredibly difficult. Many don't think that the loss of an older friend or relative should be so difficult, since it's natural and expected; it's supposed to happen. However, sometimes we underestimate the significance of the loss. We prepare ourselves, we say "goodbye," and we let go. Unfortunately, we lead ourselves to believe that we are ready. We are never ready. No one is ever truly ready to say goodbye to a loved one. However, it can be especially distressing for young people to pass away, since it’s so unexpected and affects entire communities.
I know that you recently lost a friend, and my heart is heavy for you. Three years ago, I lost a friend. The anniversary of her passing was this past week, so I decided to spend some time looking through old photographs and playing back all of the good memories that we had shared. I find that focusing on the good memories, when the sadness tries to consume everything, always helps.
You probably know that everyone grieves differently. You might breakdown and cry, or go about your day as usual, since you’re in disbelief, and the grief has not hit you yet. You might suffer from some PTSD due to a previous death. You might be angry at the doctors or the police, or whomever was supposed to help your friend. You might be angry at the person who survived or caused whatever accident took your friend’s life. You may even be angry at your friend for making whatever decision that they had made that resulted in their passing. You might feel an overwhelming panic or anxiety that you, or someone else that you care for, could have been the person who passed. You might worry about how your friends are dealing with everything. You might become depressed or very anxious. You might feel guilty, or that you could have done something to prevent this entire nightmare from happening. These are all common reactions to have when dealing with something so permanent, so devastating, and so unreal, as death can be.
You may look around for them, and mistakenly expect them to be in class. You may be furious and horrified that the people you pass are laughing and having unimportant conversations about their weekend, while your world seems to have temporarily (and yes, it is temporary) lost motion. You may reach out to your mutual friends, your mutual enemies, your school counselor, your therapist, or anyone that you feel safe talking to.
You may feel as though you don’t need to talk about it, or that maybe it’s easier that way. Let me echo what everyone has already told you, and say that talking about your loss, feelings and worries aids you in healing. However, if you’re like me, then you’ll need to spend some time alone before you talk about it. You might need to spend some time by yourself, listening to music, going through pictures, and wearing your old fifth grade camp T-shirt and remembering how much better than you she was at tie dying, even then.
Sometimes, we refuse other’s offers to help, but leaning on your support system is an important part of healing. You are not alone, so why pretend that you are? Allow yourself to be or feel sad. Accept the condolences offered to you, and recognize them as sincere. Those people know that they’re the supporting roles in this situation. You are the center of your own grief, and your loved ones just want to do whatever they can to alleviate some of that pain from you, even if to you, it comes off as nothing. This is all part of an important healing process.
I know that this can sound silly, but sometimes if you’re feeling especially guilty, sad, worried, angry or scared, I talk to my friend. I have an old photo posted on my memory board, and I’ll talk to her. It sounds crazy, but it really helped me move on from my sadness.
Something else that I know has helped others, as well as myself, is the will to honor your friend. When my friend, Lindsey, passed away, her closest friends gave away wristbands in her honor, and asked all of the senior class to wear them during sporting events, choir concerts and commencement day, so that her spirit would be present at her team's’ games, as well as at her choir’s concerts, and so she could walk across the stage with us at graduation. Our choir director commissioned a composer to write a beautiful piece in her honor, which we performed at the State Choir Festival and earned a superior ranking. I wrote a tribute to Lindsey in our student newspaper, and awarded her with the Kindest Senior award, as voted by the senior class, at the senior breakfast, which her friends and family accepted in her honor. My high school even got a bench & plaque in her memory. All of these honors helped our community, as well as Lindsey’s family, heal during such a difficult time.
If you don’t want to take it from me, then here are a few stories from other people, who have walked in your shoes before. Some have had more time to heal than others, and each person dealt with their loss differently.
Kristy’s Story
A few weeks ago, Central Michigan University student and Macomb County native, Kristy Malter, passed away due to unexpected medical complications. Morgan Miller, a CMU student, sorority sister and friend of Kristy’s said,"I don't think it's really something you can explain. I sat there looking at my phone over, and over again expecting to get a text from her saying she woke up. I didn't believe it, and I didn't want to believe it, but once it started to sink in, it was the worst heartbreak I've ever felt in my life."
"Coping with this whole situation has been extremely difficult, but having such a strong root in my spiritual life has helped a lot. I know where she is, and I know I can see her again. Knowing that as well as having so much support from my friends, is what is really getting me through."
"My life will be forever changed. I can't just call her up to go get food, text her asking how to deal with my boy problems, or tell her how she's going to be my bridesmaid one day. A piece of my heart will forever be missing. However her soul will always be around. Her passing away taught me to live every day to the fullest, and as a part of her quote 'to help every person I meet realize how truly special they are.'"
"The best advice that I could give somebody, is to not try to speed up the grieving process. There are so many emotions and feelings within each step."
Seth’s Story
Almost two years ago, Saginaw Valley State University biology student and Dryden native, Seth Thomas passed away unexpectedly. Both communities, his college town, as well as his hometown, were devastated by his passing. Hayley Kensington, an SVSU nursing student and friend of Seth's, describes how she coped with the sudden loss of her friend.
"I will be the first to admit that I did not cope with Seth's passing very well. I was at a very low point in life before he died, and his death sent me over the edge. After he died, I hit rock bottom. It sounds selfish to say that his death was my rock bottom, but that really is the only way I can think to describe it. He had been there for me multiple times during this rough patch that I was going through, and then suddenly he wasn't there. He was gone. Of course, he wasn't the only person who was there for me. I've been blessed beyond belief with an amazing support system, but I don't think I truly appreciated Seth for the amazing and caring human being that he was until it was too late, and that really is something I'll never forgive myself for. I experienced a lot of guilt after he died, as well. I spent a good amount of time with Seth and I relentlessly was thinking 'what if I would have been there the night he experimented with heroin? What if I could've talked him out of it?' Logically I know that none of this was truly my fault, that it was nobody's fault, just a tragic accident."
"He was there for me, so why wasn't I there for him? I remember thinking that Seth didn't deserve what happened to him. He had bright aspirations and dreams, and a caring heart that you don't find in many people. It seemed unfair that this kind soul was taken from the world too young, too soon for the impact that I have no doubt he would have had on others. I experienced survivor's guilt, and it was brutal. I didn't eat, I didn't sleep. I lost about 15 pounds following the weeks that he died. I had no motivation to do anything, except lose myself in a bottle of vodka and end up crying myself to sleep a few hours later. It's a typical story of depression, and it really was my rock-bottom. The only way I could cope was by talking to my friends. I told them about Seth, about how nice he always was to others and how funny he was. I told them more personal stories about him, how he helped me during tough times and how back in middle school he accused me of being mean because I didn't message him back on MySpace. I told them funny stories and sad stories and they just sat and listened to me. And eventually I began to feel better, because I realized that even though Seth is no longer here with us on Earth, he lives through these stories that I and his other friends tell people. He is alive in memories and pictures and in those moments when a mutual friend will say, 'do you remember when Seth said this?' or 'I think Seth would appreciate this.' That is what finally helped me accept his passing."
"I won't lie and say that Seth was my best friend, or that we were life-long pals or soul mates or whatever you want to call it. But he had a huge impact on my life, and taught me some of the most important lessons I have learned so far.... The first lesson he taught me is that life is never fair. It will never be just and righteous, it will always be cruel and unforgiving and mean, and that is just the way the world around us works. He taught me to not harbor ill feelings towards those who are seemingly dealt a better hand than we are, because in reality, their hand will be just as messed up as yours seems to be. Everybody fights their own battles, and you have no idea what another person's journey is about. He taught me to be more understanding and kind towards other people's journeys. The final and most important lesson that Seth taught me was to appreciate people, and see them for who they are before they are gone."
"Seth and I were friends, close friends, but I won't exaggerate. He was a "disposable" friend to me when he was alive. Somebody that I saw a lot and talked to, but never really spent much time worrying about, and that was probably one of the biggest mistakes I have made thus far in my life. In retrospect, we see things much clearer, and now I can see that Seth was a true friend. He spent hours talking to me about my problems, and I never once asked him about his. I was not the only person he did this for, either. He was kind to everyone he met, and I don't have many memories of him speaking poorly of others or being cruel in any form. I should have appreciated him for the wonderful person he was when he was alive, and this is the biggest lesson that his passing taught me; to appreciate others for everything they are, the first chance you have. Because of Seth's passing, it truly has made me a better person all around, and there really are no adequate words to express my thanks towards him for it. I love you, Seth. 12-2-14."
Lindsey’s Story
Lindsey passed away three years ago due to an unexpected medical complication, which left her family, friends and community in utter disbelief and sadness.
Brooke Terryn, Nicole Kossajda and Tatum Zanzer were Lindsey’s closest friends.
Brooke's Perspective:
"The day I was told my best friend was on life support was the worst day of my life, and up to that point I had had a lot of bad days already. Having to deal with that right before senior year (and the guilt that came along with all those "what ifs") brought a plethora of damage on my fragile confidence."
"Coping wasn't easy. I had to be the strong one because crying was a sign of weakness, because all my other friends were hurting, because I didn't have the time to be sad. When I was alone, though, sometimes the tears just wouldn't stop. What finally dragged me out of the hole I had willingly dug to bury myself in was remembering her. On her birthday, the first one after we had lost her, I visited her family. We talked about everything and nothing all at once. Tears weren't a sign of weakness, they were a memory. My friends were hurting, but I didn't have to only be their shoulder; sometimes I could use someone else's myself. Taking the time to remember a loved one wasn't wasted time, it was valuable and treasured moments that you had spent with someone you loved and lost."
"Since Lindsey's death I have changed. I've figured things out. I have matured, grown up, rediscovered my emotions and my heart. Crying is just something that happens sometimes. Being happyis legal. Getting upset is justified. I can feel, I can love, I can do whatever I need to in order to have a decent sort of life. It's not selfish to want to be happy. It's not wrong to feel better. As time goes on the hurt can fade, and that is okay. Sometimes it's okay to be lazy. It takes a lot fewer muscles to smile versus frown, after all."
Tatum's Perspective
"I first found out through a phone call with Lindsey's dad that her family would take her off life support if she wasn't showing any signs of improvement. During the rest of that conversation I tried being as strong as I could. Once the call ended, I fell to my knees crying. I was in utter shock. I felt as if the world was taking my best friend away from me. When I actually found out that they were going to pull the plug for sure, I felt what could only be described as a calm, internal depression."
"My friends and family have been a great support system for me. Just knowing I had them in my life helped me a lot. Another thing that helps me cope is comedy and music. I believe that comedy helps us all cope in the most tragic times. Why do you think most Shakespeare tragedies have a comic relief? Music also has the power to express many emotions. Overall, having things to take my mind off the pain. Not to say I would not allow myself to mourn."
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"After Lindsey's death, I confined myself to my room. I usually am big on my alone time but this was more than I would get before. I became more anti-social. I didn't socialize as much at school and after school I didn't truly socialize at all. It wasn't until the summer after senior year that I started gaining a social life back because of my friend Alex. He has dragged me out of my comfort zone and now I have done many exciting things after Lindsey passed away. Through her death I learned how to live. Death is a reminder that we are only mortal. We never know when are times are coming. I have also learned how to let go of the little things of life. I remember being furious that our high school did not make a memorial for Lindsey. Now I realize that stuff doesn't truly matter. Lindsey was special to me and an absents of a memorial cannot change how special she was.
What's the best advice that you could give someone currently experiencing what you've experienced? "You should never stop living because someone you love has stopped living. I'm not saying that you should not take a break to mourn but don't let mourning let yourself miss out of life."
Nicole's Perspective:
"I was shocked at first, then feeling emotionless for a while. It took a while for me to be happy again, because it happened so unexpectedly. It was so hard on my mother and I. She cried more than I did, and I knew I had to be strong for Lindsey's family and all of us had to be strong together."
"What helped me was praying and telling myself that it will all be okay, because her friends still had each other. And the fact that we stayed friends through senior year was more than enough. Continuing being friends helped me realize she remains a part of our lives, even still."
"Today, I have a more positive outlook on life. I started treating my friends differently as time went on, and I tried to be more like her. She was positive and faithful in everything and everyone. I will admit after she passed, I questioned whether God was really watching over her, because she passed so soon and I thought, 'why would he let her slip away?' I realized her strong faith in God, and her continuous acts of love, and kindness helped fulfill her life, because that's all she wanted to do. And that made me want to restore my faith in God and grow more positive and happy and faithful."
“My advice to anyone who has lost someone is that you may not be able to see them everyday, but you should know that someone is always there to watch over you, and guide you through the rest of your life…. You learn a lot from that person, and the impact they make on your life will forever change your perspective,” said Kossada, “[i]t's never goodbye; just a ‘see you later,’ and if you have friends and family by your side to help you, then there is nothing that you can't overcome.”
