I suppose that sometimes it's just too easy to find yourself loving someone, and sometimes it's someone you didn't want to love - especially when it's a friend.
The emotions are overwhelming, you do your best to fight them off but those feelings continue to grow. That person is unknowingly feeding your want for them; you can't help but ask yourself if they know and are doing this intentionally or if you're just convincing yourself of these signs that aren't really there.
You feel trapped, no one to go to for help. You don't know what to do or where to go or who to run to, the answer always seems to be them. You want to admit your feelings, but you want to know their response first. With some people you can tell if they will react negatively or positively to something you tell them; However, this time, I had no idea.
To the girl who was never mine:
I'm sorry for loving you and everything about you. Your eyes, nose, hands, embrace, even your scent, it all drew me in only to leave me in a pit of regret.
I'm sorry for making you feel that your only option of response was to shut down all connection we had and throw away the close friendship and trust we had built.
I'm sorry I gave in to your persistent asking of who this mystery person was that I caught feelings for, even though I made it obvious I didn't want to share - this was why.
You were someone I could go to at 3AM and share deep thoughts or troubles with. You always understood when something was wrong and gave me a place of safety when I felt alone. You encouraged me everyday to do better when I was doing worse. You allowed me to break through the strong front you hold against everyone else and let me see your soft side that you kept hidden from view. You showed me your trust, and was assured I could trust you.
I did, and here we are.
I wish you gave me time to explain myself or just apologize. I wish you understood that people catch feelings more often against their will than willingly. I wish you knew that there are a million other ways to deal with this than running away from it. I wish you realized the hurt you gave me from abandoning me after telling me to trust you. I wish you saw the heartbreak when you made it clear that we are nothing.
Maybe I'm selfish, but I pray that one day you'll discover this article and maybe we can go back to as we were - nothing more, nothing less. You were my best friend, and I wanted nothing more than that. I caught feelings that I should have let go, I never would have even mentioned it had I known that this is how it would end up.
You'll make a great girlfriend, wife, life companion to someone someday, just not to me.
To the girl who was never mine: I'm sorry.
