For many years I asked my mom everything about my dad she would always said "that's something you need to figure out". She never wanted me to grow up hating him for the simple fact that she didn't want to put an image in my head that he was a bad person. Growing up he was never apart of my life, he didn't want anything to do with me.
My junior year of high school I decided to reach out to my biological father. As I was thinking about my last year in high school I realized that even though my dad had nothing to do with me that he should have the chance to watch me graduate. He accepted me fro who I was, everything was amazing, I loved my dad and my sister that I didn't know about. My sister and I had a tight connection like no other. Things started falling apart as I was getting ready to go to college. My dreams were crushed because they didn't think I was ready to be on my own. I wanted everything to do with my dad and his family it was so good being apart of something I thought was perfect. My father has since taught me that its okay not to know your biological parents. I was diagnosed with sever depression, because I had so many questions. He never said that he was sorry for abandoning me and not giving me a chance. Every disagreement we had was all my fault there was always something I apparently did to cause the disagreement.
It has been 2 years since I reached out to my father, I am a freshman in college. I have tried to be there for my sister while trying to deal with school work. I miss home like crazy, I miss my families. There were times I went home and they both didn't try to see me. Time after time it was always me trying to put in effort to have them in my life. Today I realized I am better than this.
Today I stopped all connections with my father and my sister. I realized that my mental health is what's important. You deserve to be happy, I let the drama with my father get to me, I let the words spoken get to me. As I write this I want you to know that you are not alone, make your story known. Ask for help, get therapy if this is something that has destroyed you like it did me. If it wasn't for my mom I don't think I would be here without her. She was taught me how to deal with these emotions and constantly telling me to follow my dreams. She pushed me to be the best while trying to comfort me as I hurt.
The pain will never go away, I deal with this everyday. I always will. I have learned that its okay to be independent and to separate myself to keep me happy. As much as I hated to walk away from my dad because I wanted him to see me do big things after college, walking away was something I needed to do. Now I am stronger than ever, I am thankful for everything I have learned the past 2 years but more importantly I realized what its like to be happy without someone. Its a blessing and a curse to be raised by a single parent, as you grow up without a mom/dad you create this wonder. I had that since I was 3, but now I know how he is and that I didn't need him all along. If you are reading this please reach out to someone, its okay to reach out to a biological parent or a family member. Go in with an open mind, remember who you are and don't let go of your dreams and aspirations in life. Stay true to yourself and know that no matter the outcome you are loved and that your parent you grew up with will forever have your back. Keep your mental health first, don't let thought distance yourself from the people that love you endlessly. You're not alone, you are strong.
love
the girl who is repairing a heart that was shattered.
