To The Girl It May Concern:
I firmly believe that there is a silver lining in everything. However, as you know, some cases are not so black and white. Someone may be forced to give up something they love, but as a result find something else they are passionate about; one may become ill, but thus find the true meaning of their life; and someone may lose a loved one, but honor them by doing an act that would have pleased that person.
There is one scenario in this life that I can think of that does not have any perks, pleasant surprises, or silver linings. And I know this not by research, but by living through it myself. Being a daughter to a father who has no interest in you; being a daughter to a man who cares only about himself; being a daughter to no man... ever.
I have written this letter over and over in my head for so many years. Now that I finally have the platform to do so, I am at a complete loss for words. I have read posts concerning this same topic, but have never fully agreed with what they are saying. Each fatherless daughter's story is so different, there is no way I could completely agree with what another may write. There is the case of the father who loved deeply, but tragically died; there is the case of the father who left; and there is the case of the father who is in jail. My case? My case is the one where the father cheated, was physically and verbally abusive, and stole more from us then I can say.
What can I say? How can I say it?...
I don't like the word Dad and I hate the word Daddy.
Father's Day could be scratched off the list of holidays and you'd never hear a complaint from me.
Who's going to walk me down the aisle and give me away?
I long to be somone's little princess and ache because I know I never can be. Try as I might to find some sort of fatherly figure, something always falls short. I should not have to try and find a dad. He should be sitting at the breakfast table when I wake up in the morning; he should be cheering me on in my newest adventure; he should be freaking out when I start talking about the cute boy that is in my class; and most of all he should be there to show me what a real man is like. But he's not. He never was. He never will be. I have accepted this fact over and over again. I have even forgiven him. When I first forgave him, I figured that meant all I had to do was heal and forget. While I have healed, I can't forget. While I have accepted the facts, it doesn't mean that I don't desire that they were different; it doesn't mean I don't have nightmares about the many more fatherless moments I will have or the fatherless moments I have had.
Why am I writing this? I really don't know. Maybe because it's been on my heart for years. I want to say something that I have learned to the rest of you who may be in my position: when I healed, when I forgave, and when I faced the facts, I thought that I would be alright for the rest of my life. I had let myself hurt, grieve, cry, and hate. I couldn't do it anymore nor did I want to. But as years have gone by, I realize something... We will never truly heal. We have a scar. A deep, strange, hollow scar. There will be years that you won't think about it and there will be times when it's all you can think about. Use that pain that you've been through and are going through for good! No one, not even your father, is worth losing yourself for. Be strong, beautiful one for there may not be a dad sitting with you at the dinner table or freaking your date out or calling you his little princess, but there is a Father taking care of you 24/7. And He's begging to call you His daughter! He's so proud of you; He'll never leave you. I don't know why He let our daddy's leave, but He knows what we need in this life. Love the pain because it's going to do something good in your life and lead you to places you never imagined. It takes a special kind of girl to survive through this lifelong pain, so put on your big girl shoes and show them what you're made of! We still have a Father to make proud!
I pray for you all everyday!
With all my love,
Ann-Marie
