We used to be so close and I miss that. We always had fun together. You were such a good friend to me. But when I told you my biggest secret, everything changed. You changed. I changed. Our friendship changed. Our lives changed for good.
What Was the Secret?
Now it’s my turn to spill the beans. It’s my turn to spill the secret. It’s my turn to tell on myself. I told you what happened on a night I knew I would never forget. I had lost my virginity. That was my biggest secret. We were freshmen in high school. This was a big deal for me and I really needed someone to tell. A lot of people know what it feels like to be in my position. But you didn’t and I’m sorry for telling you.
Why I Chose You…
I chose you because you were in my first class the next day. I couldn’t really tell anyone else without them getting mad with me, upset with me, or people judging me. I couldn’t tell my own mother about it because I was scared of the consequences. I chose you because I wanted our friendship to grow stronger. I chose you because I wanted to trust you with this big secret.
1 Week Later…
My grandmother had passed away during this time. After her funeral, I got the flu. Having the flu caused me to miss school for a whole week. When the end of the week rolled around, that’s when it all happened.
It was Friday morning/afternoon. I was just lying around the house when I got a call from one of our friends. She told me that you decided to break our promise. You told all our friends what happened. You told them something that was so personal to me. You told them something that was so important to me. Not only that, after I got off the phone with her and I received a text. A text from the boy who took the most prized possession I had to offer the person I was going to marry someday.
He texted me telling me that everyone knows. He told me that guys were walking up to him in the hallways asking if I was good in bed. He proceeded to tell me that he never wanted to talk to me again. I honestly thought he was the one. The one I would love forever. I was wrong. I was so wrong. In those few moments, I was broken. I was broken because I had lost everything. I lost my friends. I lost the first boy I ever loved. I cried the rest of the day because I didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t even at school to stand up for myself. You had bad timing.
What Happened to Me…
When the secret came out everything fell apart for me. I lost you and all of our other friends. Everyone looked at me differently now. Girls looked at me as if I were nothing. Boys looked at me as if I were a piece of meat. All of our friends looked at me as a liar, a slut, and a low life.
I became my own best friend. I became an outcast to all of you because I did a “horrible” thing. You all talked about me behind my back. You all said horrible things. One of the guys that you told harassed me. He would shove me in the hallways. He would push me into lockers. He would start rumors about me. I was not invited to birthday parties anymore. I was not able to talk to anyone anymore.
I would sit on the bus on my way home alone. I would mind my own business and just listen to my music. Then people would whisper and throw things at me. I went home every day in tears. I would cry and just sleep the pain away. Eventually, everyone in my house caught on to what was wrong with me. My mom and I fought. I was put on birth control at 15. It was terrifying. I was put into therapy. I was put on anti-depressants and anxiety medication. It was horrible. I was drowning in depression.
I watched the first boy I loved move away. I was torn. I grew so depressed that I was ready to leave this world. I wrote suicide notes to all of our friends. I wrote notes to my whole family. Everyone had their own note. I wrote down all the different ways to leave this world. I started to cut myself. My mother caught me the next day and we cried.
I had lost myself in my own mind. I was falling behind. I was drowning in my own tears and my darkness. I had lost everything. I had lost all meaning of life.
I didn’t write this letter to you to upset you. I didn’t write this to tell you that you were a bad friend. I wrote this to thank you for teaching me things at an early stage. Without this milestone in my life, I may not have not made it this far. I would have never been as close as I am to my mother. I would have never met the love of my life.
You taught me a lot about friendship. You taught me who my real friends are and who I should trust. I’m not saying I can’t trust you now but back then it was really hard for me to trust anyone. You taught me how to be a better friend because of what happened between us.
You taught me to accept myself. I had to work on myself so I could be stable again. I had to work on what was right for me and what path I needed to take. I now take precautions with falling in love, choosing my friends and believing in myself. You taught me to accept what happened to me. I was so nervous and scared of what will happen to me when everyone found out that I wasn’t a virgin.
You taught me to not keep things secret. I now feel comfortable to say I suffer from anxiety and depression. I am very open to what happened to me throughout my high school years. I am very open about all the secrets I kept bottled up.
You helped mine and mother’s relationship grow because now she knows everything about me. I told her how my thought process worked when I get really depressed or anxious. I told her everything that I was scared of. She has accepted me for who I am and what happened to me. I’m grateful for that.
Most importantly, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. You were a great friend when we were still close. I’m truly sorry for drifting apart. I still needed time to figure out what to say to you about what happened. It was hard for me to forgive you. It was hard because this secret changed everything for me. I’m not ashamed anymore because it’s human nature to have sex. It is a natural habit. We all have needs and some of us will do what it takes to meet those needs. I had fallen in love and thought it would be a forever. I gave myself away. I let my flower bloom and I became a woman. So thank you for helping accept what happened. I have always kept your secrets and I will always keep them locked away.
Your Old Friend