You did everything you could have done to reach out to me when I was at my darkest.

I've been thinking about my major depressive episode a lot lately, not because I'm not over it, but because I'm not over the people I lost during it. Trust me, I lost my fair share of friends over that horrible span of time. You stick out, though, because you were the only one who kept trying, even when I told you over and over again to stop and give up on me.

I had no idea what was going on in my head. Quite frankly, I was a complete mess -- never getting out of bed, laying in the dark, not eating. It was embarrassing, humiliating, and something I didn't know how to explain. How can someone explain that they feel like a ghost? I was completely hollow, empty, lost. You kept texting, asking if you could come over and help.

You tried harder than anyone else to understand, to visit, to help, but I wouldn't let you. I'm so sorry for not letting you see me, but I couldn't. I felt so unworthy of you, even before the episode, so it was unimaginable how unworthy I felt during. I was considered ugly and a monster to myself, crazy to everyone around me, a burden to some of my closest friends. I didn't want to imagine what you'd think of me. I wanted you to just think of me as me: happy-go-lucky, silly, clumsy, talkative.

We were complete opposites. You were always contemplative and quiet (until you got used to people, that is) -- a much better listener. You didn't use "I" as much as you used the words "you" and "we." I always found that to be pretty unique. You were loyal without fail, protective, honest, and raw, and that's not a combination you come across too often in friends. I don't know if you're still like that, but I hope to God that you are. I envy the people who get to experience those parts of you now.

You need to know that I didn't push you away because I didn't want you around. I did, truly. I pushed you away because I wanted to protect you from me, the ticking time-bomb. You deserved a more happy, upbeat, and capable person as your best friend. I was far from that person during that time. I wish I could say I regret it. If I had let you in, I might have gotten better much more quickly, but the truth is I can't regret jumping on that particular grenade for you. That wasn't the time for me to be selfish, because you deserved the best. I refused to taint you with my darkness.

Thank you for the flower in my hair, the long talks, the supportive texts, and for trying to convince me I was above everything going on in my head. I didn't believe you then, but I do now. I hope you know how unbelievably special you are, and how lucky I was to have had you as a best friend for the short time I did.

I miss you, and I hope that we cross paths again soon so that I can tell you all of this in person.