There is more to me than what you see with your eyes. It's almost as if I wake up every day and I "put on a show" for a selective audience. I've had chronic anxiety and depression (along with aspergers) ever since I was a little girl. I've developed my own ways of protective my inner self and preserving my heart. So when you take a long and hard look at me.. you will not see the broken edges or the torn off pieces. You will see what I allow you to see because a first impression is life or death for me. I don't want you to look at me and see a whimpering dog, cowering in the corner. I already feel pathetic enough admitting to the horrible ways I have treated myself, and it took a lot for me to tell you how close I've come to giving up. It hasn't been easy accepting defeat for so many years. And to make matters worse, I lost a battle against myself of all people. My own mind has been against me, yet has protected me. Maybe I am just tired of fighting a battle that is never won.. Maybe I want to breathe for even just a moment, without thinking of everything and everyone or what could or might happen. Throughout the years, the constant paranoia has kept me on my toes; it reminds me that anything can happen. The constant doubt makes my achievements seem unreal, untrue, or as if I am unworthy of them.

So please sir, do not look at me and tell me it is all in my head. That dark place, is where the lion sleeps. That is where reality and fantasy are both equal. But I do not imagine or make up my sadness, my frantic panicking, or my worries. I have spent countless days begging God to explain to me why I am different or why I can't be normal. I've gone looking for clues and answers, just to figure out why I don't process things the way others do. I have a heart of gold... And it has poisoned me. Being too kind or too caring has been a burden yet a blessing within my life. And I would never want to conflict myself like I have been for so long. I never asked to be this way. I truly needed your help, and you came back at me with a sturn opinion and a closed mind. I've been to therapy hundreds of times and tried every medicine in the book... And you were my last hope. I felt such disappointment when I left your office.... It was as if I had drawn the final card and lost all my bets.

Many of us reach out for help and too often we hear "Oh you're fine, suck it up" or "Just breathe. You were fine just a few minutes ago" and it makes me sad. I understand how it feels to be misunderstood. And I will always be the keeper of kind and lost souls. Even if I do not know you, I am here. You are not alone. I will always be here for anyone in need, even if they just need a kind and simple "Hello."

You are not transparent. You will not feel like a ghost. And I will make sure you know your true worth and the RIGHT you have to search for happiness and a healthy mentality. I am on this journey as well and I appreciate any help I can get