TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDE, DEPRESSION, AND LANGUAGE
I write this article in a severe bipolar crash. Tears are streaming down my face and my heart actually feels as though it has been stabbed. I'm sorry if this is too much information but I feel I owe it to all of you to be raw. I owe it to myself.
I was in the process of writing another article when I started this one. It's funny how sudden suicidal thoughts can stop inspiration in its tracks. It strange how depression can keep you from writing anything at all even though writing is what you've loved more than anything your whole life.
These past few months have been more difficult for me than I like to admit, but I'll admit it now, and it all stems from a sense of not feeling good enough. Not good enough for myself or anybody else.
I know many of you who are reading this must feel the same, or why would you have started reading? You all have your own stories of why you feel this way, for there is no one right way to shatter someone's perfectly good self-esteem.
I have a story as well, and mine involves me trying to be the best I can for someone who I love very much. He loves me too and thinks I'm more than enough, but I never believe him. And it's all because of one thoughtless situation he got himself into, and a few thoughtless words.
None of it is his fault, and I no there is no way he would ever deliberately try to hurt me, but it doesn't make the wound any less deep. I would like him to know it doesn't make me love him any less.
I know many of you probably have a similar situation to the one I just described. I know many of you have a lot of resentment toward one particular girl, or even a few girls.
You probably really hate her. You've probably called her some very mean things. You might even also hate anyone else who she hangs out with. It's okay, I don't judge you for it, and I don't think it makes you any less of a woman or a feminist.
You don't think you can compare to her. Seeing her makes your blood boil, and you're afraid to admit it's not because you hate her, it's because you hate yourself. You see her and you don't know how you could ever be desirable compared to someone like her, and that makes you feel hopeless. I know it's made me want to kill myself more than one time.
She's prettier than you. Is the voice that keeps echoing through your mind slicing at your brain like a razor. She's prettier than me. She's so much prettier than me, thinner than me, sexier than me, and everyone knows it. I'm worthless compared to her.
It's not that uncommon for our own words and minds to be the nastiest toward us.
Well, I'm here to tell you something, because I'm really fucking sick of all this bullshit you and I have had to go through.
She isn't, has never been, and never will be prettier than you. Because guess what? You're fucking gorgeous, and smart, and amazing. I don't need to see your face, or even know who you are to know that as a fact.
It's crazy you have no idea how beautiful you are. How your eyes light up when you smile. How adorable your laugh is. How you're hair bounces when you walk. It's really crazy.
You're so much prettier than she is. Dammit girl, you have to believe me, because you can't live your life not knowing how much prettier you are. No one should have to live without knowing they are the hottest shit to walk this earth. So take a good look in the mirror and realize it, because no one can do it for you.
And yes, there will be people who think she's prettier than you, but fuck them honestly. No matter how many people think that just know you have something she'll never have, and even if you never see it someone else will.
The right person will know you are the most beautiful and amazing woman in the whole damn world, and if they don't know that they're not the right person for you.
I write this and beg you to please realize how amazingly beautiful you are, and own it. Own the hell out of it because you are a goddess, and never, never let anymore tell you otherwise. Anyone who doesn't see how beautiful you are honestly can not be trusted. Society most of all.
I want you to know you can do anything. So go do what you want, because girl, you've spent way too long hating yourself, and when you hate yourself you can't do anything you want.
Please girl, come out of the dark, and breathe the fresh air you so fully deserve.
I don't claim to know everything you've been though, but I think I know some, because I've been through it too. I've been to hell and back, just like you. Maybe not the same journey, but similar, which makes us sisters in a way... and I never let my sisters feel the way you have.
Once you realize all of this, you'll start to be able to see yourself for what you truly are. Then you'll start to see her as human. Her face will no longer be the monster in your closet. She won't matter to you anymore. She'll just be some girl.
You'll let her live her life. But more importantly you'll let you live yours, and that will be the most freeing thing you can do for yourself.
I hope you can set yourself free in this way, and I hope you can see the beauty in yourself that I see and many others see. But I understand it doesn't happen overnight. Reading this article isn't life-changer. Hell, even writing the article isn't a life changer! If you think I've accepted all this you're crazy! And if I think reading this article will automatically make women love themselves I have way too much confidence in myself as a writer! But I'm going to keep trying, and I hope you do too.
No matter how hard it gets I know you can do it, my fellow goddess, my fellow sister.