As the days, months, and years go by I still come back to the question of; why did I let depression and suicidal thoughts control me? Deep down I knew that these thoughts weren't right, but I could never shake them. When you hear someone say that they're depressed, you stop and think to yourself; what could they be sad about? The reality of depression though is that it is in no way a "sadness". It is not something you can just shake off; it is a disease. It destroys you emotionally, mentally, and physically. I'm not looking to give my back story on what led me to into this depression or to have suicidal thoughts. I more or less just want to open the eyes of some people and help them realize this is a very real and dangerous epidemic.
After I developed depression, it wasn't long after that the suicidal thoughts came. Once you reach this stage of depression, it's just pure sadness. Even if something bad didn't happen, you still feel this dark cloud over you. Having depression is seeing the world as gray and dull; you see colors and nature, but they don't matter to you. You don't see the beauty of the colors or the happiness of the animals or the trees changing colors. It's almost like depression just sucks the life out of you and creates this mirage in your mind that the world is just cruel and sad. Living with this sadness day in and day out causes you to start questioning; does it really matter if I'm around? Would it really matter if I killed myself or not? That is the sad part. You get into such a deep, dark state of mind that your own existence and self worth isn't even something you think about. The things that make you feel like you don't matter.
Suicide. A seven letter word that can change everything in an instant. Suicidal thoughts are the most dangerous stage in this deep sadness. That seven letter word is the word that means you feel no reason to live; no reason to go on. Your body and soul at that point is merely a corpse. Your body is a vessel for your soul and your soul is so sad that you believe killing yourself is the answer. Sadly, millions have died to this disease. Suicide is never the answer and I wish for all of those people who chose that route knew that beforehand. If only they knew that they mattered and that their existence would help people in some way.
To my younger self, who sat there with thoughts in your head about killing yourself and wondering if you ever mattered, who watched the trees turn gray and the clouds become dark; just know that you matter and no matter what people say it is not worth taking your own life. It does get better. I can tell you this, because I am still here and I beat this disease and it did get better.
If you or anyone you know is suffering with depression or suicidal thoughts, please call these hot lines listed below. Your life's worth it.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1-800-273-TALK (8255)
National Adolescent Suicide Hotline
1-800-621-4000
