To the boy who will always hold a special place in my heart,
You taught me how to raise my voice when I wanted to cut my skin and starve my brain. Now I can cut you and starve you into a million pieces and brittle bones, but you won’t leave my worried mind. It’s the little moments that bring me back to the late nights in which I adored your every motion. Convincing myself to walk away was hard but for once in my life I had to stand up for what I needed.
I needed space and unconditional love and you were a lost soul headed in no particular direction; drifting either which way the wind blew that day. I was too much, too little, too shy or too outgoing. I was a collection of paradoxes that you didn't know how to handle without shattering. Still, missing you comes in waves- some nights you are far from my mind, some nights I am drowning. It's the little moments; when I’m driving in the car, when someone says, “Smile,” and I smile through tired, tear-filled eyes when a song that hits a little too far home comes on the radio. I hear songs and write poems and am reminded of your presence, the brush of my cheek with your humble laugh.
I miss the way you used to hug me. The way you would wrap me up in your long angelic arms and hold my back so stern I swore I would crumble if you ever let me go. I miss the adventures, the mishaps, the nonjudgmental stance we both took a night after one too many shots of tequila. Or maybe it was ten too many. And maybe I forced them into you. Still, you didn’t mind. You gave me your couch and a warm home to fall apart in and I was never as thankful for those moments as I am today. I miss waffles at four A.M. and long drives with no destination.
I miss the way you adored me, the way you took my broken, misguided mind and made me feel alright. The way you never told me, "It will be okay." The way you made it okay. The way you loved me when I was incapable of loving myself. But mostly, I miss the way you made me fall in love with life. Through you, I fell into the Carolina sunsets, dark nights and cigarette smoke. The strange quiet of winter trees and cold cars. I stumbled my way through hate and love and peace loving every minute of it. You managed to make me love everything so deeply that now, after cutting you out of my life, I cannot seem to love without fearing the end. I see sunsets and fear the way nightfall will slowly but surely dissipate the rainbow swirls and streaks. I adore the sensation of sunshine falling on my skin but am soon overcome by the realization it will not last forever.
You had such an impact on my life, you created a monster who loves everything so deeply she has to starve her brain of beauty in order to feel okay. I am still trying to figure out how your perception has morphed my ability to see beauty for what it is not instead of what it is. I am frozen here but, I am thawing.
Sincerely,
The girl who loved you deeply and then set you free
