Here’s the thing: I didn’t get to say what I wanted to say to my ex-fiancé when he left me. He left me via phone call while I stood in a parking lot as it was raining (I’m not making this up either). I didn’t get to cuss him out or beg or any of the normal stuff because it’s not even fun over the phone. Instead, I sat there in my friend’s car with her prying my ring off, listening to my life fall apart. I had her call my mom while I sat on the asphalt in the rain with my professor looking at me like I’m an idiot (still sorry you had to see that, sir). My mom came and picked me up with my aunt so my car didn’t sit there overnight. There were no awkward moments of simultaneous crying or begging; it was just done. However, it still feels unfinished. So here is what I want to say.
Dear Ex,
I hope you’re doing well. I do mean that, even though I didn’t use to. I hope your job is going well and that your family is well. I’m doing alright. Scratch that: I’m doing amazing. Yeah, I’ve had some ups and downs, and our entire house is in my mother’s garage but I am amazing.
In fact, I want to thank you. Thank you for realizing we were doomed before we tied the knot. Thank you for not leaving me while we were face to face because honestly, I would have probably hurt you (sorry not sorry). And thank you for letting me go.
I never thought I would say this but I am so much better without you. I didn’t even recognize the person I had turned into by the end of our relationship. I looked at myself once I got back to my mother’s and realized I wasn’t even me anymore. I’m an interesting, quirky, adventurous, independent young woman and with you I was far from that. I was so worried about fitting in to you and your family’s idea of who I should be that I forgot who I was. I’m opinionated, and strong, and kind, and I’m so sorry that you couldn’t love me that way because I’m pretty great.
I’ve always had my issues. I can’t help that I have a stress disorder. I can’t help that my past relationships did a number on my heart. However, something I can help is how I am treated about it. I’m glad that you’ve never dealt with anxiety or depression; I really am. That doesn’t mean that my anxiety and depression are the only thing about me; nor are they a deal breaker. You never did understand my anxiety, and you can’t help it. You were raised not to believe in it. However, it doesn’t make me defective. That’s sure how you treated me sometimes though. I wasn’t being lazy or rude. I was depressed and needing help. I’m sorry that someone having a mental health problem is an issue for you. I hope that you never have to deal with it because I don’t think you could handle it.
You taught me many things throughout our relationship. You taught me that I shouldn’t settle or stick with something because that’s what I think I should do. You taught me that I truly do not need someone, even if everyone around me thinks they do. It’s okay to be weird and loud because that’s my favorite part of me. You taught me that when a man thinks that you should change a part of yourself, that part should be your relationship status because I have always been perfect. I didn’t need to lose weight or keep my hair a natural color or not pierce my nose, I needed to lose you, dye my hair purple, and pierce my nose on a whim.
I realize now that I deserve so much more than what I had and I thank you for giving me the chance to get it. I deserve to have someone that never wants to leave. I deserve everything under the sun. That night that I stood in the rain, waiting on my mother, I remembered a quote:
“Don’t let what he wants eclipse what you need. He’s very dreamy, but he’s not the sun. You are.” –Christina Yang" “Grey’s Anatomy” Season 10, Episode 24
And damn it, Christina Yang is right.
Love,
The Real Erin
