He who shall not be named,
I have written you many times. Some were letters that my therapist made me write and then analyze, some were in the notes on my phone when the thought of what you did to me kept me up all night, and others were handwritten letters I kept in a drawer and then burnt to a crisp. It has been a long time coming, but you deserve this one. Now, where do I start?
Conventionally, I could start with the excruciating moment where you held me down in your truck, or by how you admitted that you weren't sorry for what happened, or ending with how the situation you put me through landed me in therapy. You jeopardized my friendships, and this haunts almost every waking moment of my life. It really sucks, man.
You are the first thing I think of every morning and the last thing I think of at night. Starting and ending each day with a nightmare isn't fun, but my therapist said it isn't going away anytime soon, so I've learned to adjust. Now, instead of taking the conventional route and continuing with how I am now- scared to be with a guy, can't sleep some nights, and shiver at the thought of your name, let's focus on the positive.
Yes, believe it or not, I found the good in what you have done to me; what else was I supposed to do? After learning that I had PTSD, insomnia, and situational anxiety because of you, I decided I wasn't going to settle for that. I got help, I confided in close friends and family, and I learned from this situation. I learned that throwing you in a jail cell, despite the evidence I do have against you, wouldn't make this better. I learned that what you did to me is now permanently a part of my life, despite how excruciating it was, and having it define me would be the worst thing I could do. I learned what it was like to be paralyzed with fear. The most important thing I learned was how to be strong.
I do not have you to thank for this. If it wasn't for my family (who supported me through everything), my friends (who would keep their ringers on at night so I could text them after a nightmare), and my therapist (who sat in the room with me and cried with me as I told my mother in detail what you did to me) I honestly do not think I would be here today. You were the cause of a situation that drained me mentally, emotionally, and physically. You were a friend that I thought would never do this to me. You were, in that moment, a coward, a felon, and an inconsiderate asshole who didn't understand what 'no' meant. Now, you are nothing more than a rapist.
Realistically, I have thousands of questions I want answers to. Most of them are asking why you did this to me, but I now I understand why. You were a stupid, entitled boy who was not aware of the repercussions that his actions had on others. So, instead of wasting my time asking you why, I would like to ask you this: Please, never do this to someone again. Please, never be another person's nightmare. Please, never force anyone else to be strong.
On July 28, 2014, I went from the bubbly, soon to be junior in high school, to a girl who never thought she would be genuinely happy again. All my bubbles were popped, but I have now learned how to blow bubbles again.
Karma will get you,
The Survivor
