You left. It was your choice. So stop texting her, stop Face Timing her, stop asking her to hang out and grab some food. Just stop.
You need to move on. Even if you think you have, you clearly haven't if you're still trying to have her in your life. You don't get to think about her, or dream about her. You don't get to remember how it felt to wrap your arms around her as you both fell asleep at night. You don't get to remember how it felt to wake up to her beautiful face in the morning, or how she smiled when she opened her eyes to see you next to her.
You don't deserve it.
She loves you. Even when it's the hardest thing for her to do, she still loves you. And you never loved her back. You ruined her with your games, your empty promises, your lies. You sat back as she poured her heart into everything she ever did for you and you barely uttered a thank you.
Forget about the time she was there for you while mourning the death of a loved one. Forget about how she stood by your side and always defended you. Forget about how she constantly forgave you even when you know you didn't deserve another chance.
Forget all of it.
Remember how you left her and shattered her heart as you went to be with someone else. Remember how she wanted you to be out of her life. Remember how you ignored that one request. Because you don't want to forget her. You don't want her out of your life. You took her love for granted and now you believe you still deserve to have her as a friend despite everything you put her through, but you don't deserve to still have her. You refused to put a label on your relationship because you were too scared of commitment. You were too scared to try for her, even though the entire time she was giving you every ounce of effort she had. It's not fair for you to constantly come in and out of her life as you please. It's not fair for you to not give her time to heal.
It's not fair for you to keep her around as an option.
Because you know she has been the most loyal to you through everything and you're terrified of letting her go. You keep her around so when you find that other people won't put up with your inconsideration, your indecisiveness, your cowardliness, you can go back to her. You can go back to her and tell her you've figured out what you want, you made a mistake, it's been her all along. You go back to her and finally tell her what you knew to be true but were too scared to admit when you still had her.
But you don't deserve that. She doesn't deserve that.
You don't get to leave and have her at the same time; she can't exist in two places at once. You don't get to play with her heart to prevent her feelings from disappearing for good. You don't get to have her loyal companionship just for your own benefit.
She's too good for you, and you never deserved her in the first place. Let her go.
