This is a personal thank you to the man that has loved me so fiercely that I have had no choice but to begin to love myself.
Now I am all for women holding their own and being able to make themselves whole. I have lived vicariously through stories like Sex and The City and Eat, Pray, Love for years, and trust me the idea of "creating my own happiness" is nothing I am a stranger to trying to achieve. And while I do think one can achieve complete content on their own, I feel at this point in my life I needed you.
You saved me from myself at a time I felt I wasn't going to recover from pain and broken trust.
To understand how much this means to me you must first understand where I had begun mentally, because I'm not sure you really know (I try to only show you my best): I was at a point in my life that I really just didn't understand. I had been lied to, cheated, emotionally distraught, and left with nothing. I couldn't comprehend why I was living on my best friend's couch or when I was going to be able to stop carrying an arsenal of makeup in my wristlet to fix tear-stained wings. Meals consisted of random snacks when the hunger got too unbearable and wine replaced water. My bedtime became 5 am and my eyes were heavier than they had ever been. I was reliant on the entire Gilmore Girls series on DVD and wrinkled clothing out of mismatched suitcases and a purple rubbermaid. My hair went from highlighted in beautiful sun-kissed strands to box-dyed deep brown and I completely lost control of my head. This pain was a different kind of hurt. It cut right down to the bone and left my soul raw. Trust issues ran high, and self esteem was at a new low.
I was, for a lack of better words, mistreated.
It was a repetitive kind of pain that had left me as the common denominator. I got to this point after many occasions and years, this is not an isolated sort of pain. I got there by trusting those that didn't deserve my friendship and by putting myself second to find love with the most toxic of people.
I was not looking for what I have found. I wanted nothing to do with new relationships and I really wasn't even sure that I could be worthy of what I had been looking for in the first place. I am a firm believer that you found me at a time that I needed you most. I had never truly hated myself until this point and you came in with nothing but admiration for my body, mind and soul. Feeling your stare as I do mundane daily tasks has been a learning experience for me to understanding what real adoration is. You have appreciated every hour I've worked, every dinner I have cooked and every mind-straining task I have accomplished and have encouraged me to rest and take chances. You never fail to let me know at any moment that you think I look great or that you love me unconditionally and this has made me feel invincible. You have me truly convinced that there is nothing we can't overcome and that falling out of love isn't an option for us. This love is one I will never recover from, you have built mountains out of the broken rubble that was my soul.
I have begun to love myself through a different lens.
I have started to see myself through your eyes and I have loved myself ever since. I have started to feel stunning, sexy, motherly, incredibly kind, accomplished, and talented. You have given me the courage to put myself in positions I never would have before, may it be through expressive writing or even a wild lipstick color, you assure me I will always be loved unconditionally. Your support is so enduring and has left our bond and my trust, in us and myself, unshakable. Finding someone who is able to make you shift your attitudes towards yourself is the most empowering feeling in the entire universe. I am not saying that finding a man or a significant other will solve all of your problems or any of them for that matter, but finding a soul that compliments mine so much that I have been so positively affected is the biggest blessing I have ever received. Having a strong support system and someone that believes in me in every aspect in life is so mentally and physically life changing.
My soul had been screaming out for this revelation for so long and I am shaken by the impacts it has induced. You have taught me to love myself by loving me so boldly, and for that, I cannot thank you enough.