To The Boy I Did Not Want To End Things With, But Had To
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To The Boy I Did Not Want To End Things With, But Had To

I hope you see this.

To The Boy I Did Not Want To End Things With, But Had To

It was a snow day, where we got no snow of course. If that day was a regular class day, it wouldn't have turned out the way it did. I ended it.

Not seeing you for over a month and hardly talking to you for many months hurt me in more ways than words can say. All I wanted was to just spend time with you. But your classes, the gym, work, and friends got in the way and I just accepted it. I wasn't a priority unlike how you were a priority to me and I don't think I was ever going to be one. You and I were on two different wavelengths and may have touched at certain points but were never truly going to intertwine and grow from each other.

There is no doubt in my mind you care for me, but you never liked me the way I liked you. We meshed in ways I've never meshed with anyone before, but nothing good comes out of something with one-sided expectations. Did I want you to fall for me and make me your girlfriend in the far future? Absolutely, but you told me not to have hope so I let that all go down the drain.

You introduced me to the "Fast and Furious" franchise and it's now something I love more than I expected to. Granted it'll always go back to you in the end, and right now that really sucks, but one day it won't. You made me take an interest in loud, fast cars. I used to find them obnoxious, but now they make me turn my head to watch them as they drive by.

Hearing those cars is a different feeling now. I wonder if it's you driving by, with someone new and you're completely over me, or if it's one of your friends. I'm avoiding a certain place because I know you and your friends go there and I can't handle seeing you or them without crying or shutting down. I want to be your friend and I told you so, but I'm so fragile right now that anything that remotely reminds me of you hurts me mentally and physically.

Not having you to text or Snapchat every day has been really hard. You go from talking to this person every day to suddenly shutting down communication. I didn't block you on anything, which is normally how I cope, but this is different. I have to be strong enough not to check up on where you are on Snapchat or text you telling you I miss you. Those first two days the temptation to take it all back was harder than you will ever realize. The second I saw you begin to respond that day I wanted to take it back.

Sometimes you have to do things even when you think you're not ready because in the end it's bound to happen anyway. The person I've been turning into is a 180 from who I was in the fall. I was constantly angry and sad because I couldn't hang with you, and I was taking my anger out on those closest to me and that's not ok at all. One person should never affect the way you feel, and I indirectly let you dictate my emotions and I hate how I let myself become so dependent on you for my happiness.

This may not be a breakup to you, but it is for me in every way possible. I've never liked anyone as much as I have with you, and losing you as someone I was romantically interested in is devastating. I don't know where to begin and picking up the shattered pieces isn't as simple as downloading a dating app and mindlessly swiping until I find you on it and break down or look for someone who's just like you to realize there is only one you.

I'm happy this didn't end with any anger and it ended on good terms. It's still so fresh to me, and I find myself wondering if you think about me and wonder how I'm doing, or if you miss me at all. A large part of me knows you aren't. This doesn't hurt you the way it hurts me, you didn't lose someone you became emotionally invested in, you lost a girl you've hung out with for over a year, that's it. I hope being around me has impacted you in some way like being with you impacted me.

I'm swearing off boys and focusing on school. I can't be happy with a guy without being happy on my own and loving the person I was before she met you. In times like this having such amazing friends and family like I do being here for me has really helped me begin to heal.

I am taking this day by day. One day the pit in my stomach will be gone. I can watch "Fast and Furious" and smile, and not see your face pop up in crowds of people everywhere I look. The color blue is my favorite color and it won't make me think of you all the time because I know it's yours too. Being with you has been a lesson I learned a lot from. Will a part of me always like you and come back to you the second you come calling? Most definitely. But this time apart will help me grow, and once I'm over the feelings I caught, perhaps the friendship we have can build in a new way.

For now, I thank you for being a part of my life for the past year, and I wish nothing but the best. I don't know if you'll ever see this, but in my heart, I hope the stars align in such a way that you do.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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