Hey Best Friend,

I want to start by saying that I miss you. There was a time that my world revolved around you. I depended on you for everything. If I wasn't talking to you, I felt like my world was caving in. The love I had for you was unlike anything I've ever experienced--intense, passionate, intimate, all-consuming. At the time I thought it was a selfless love, a love that I would do anything for.

You were there for me in the darkest days of my life. You've seen some of the darkest places that my mind has ever brought me, and you stayed right by my side through it. You constantly worried about me, pouring more into me than I could ever hope to give back to you.

I always thought our relationship was give and take, but the healthier I got, the more I realized I had to give. It was funny to me how, when away from the brink of death and destruction, I could see how much I took, and how little I gave.

I realized that if one of our loves was selfless, it was the love you had for me. You gave so much of yourself over to trying to save me from myself.

I remember the first time I looked into your eyes and saw that you were tired. Your eyes always had such a joyful light in them, but on this day, I had lashed out, and I had hurt myself, and it had hurt you. I remember you held me, as you always did, and for a moment I felt better, but I pulled away and saw in your eyes the pain that I had seen in the eyes of many before you, and a sense of dread filled my heart. The end was coming.

I begged you not to worry about me, not to try to control me and my choices. I see now, that I could never do as I asked you to do--to sit back and watch someone I loved crash and burn. But I didn't know what else to do. I had showed you some of the darkest parts of myself, and that darkness had tainted you. My constant pain and sadness began to eat at you, and you slowly morphed from someone to lean on, to someone that I saw pain and suffering in.

I knew the signs. I had had friends leave before. Because I am too much, my mental illness is too much. The ugliest parts of me, are not to be shared. But, desperate for you to understand my pain, I shared them.

Desperate to save us, I started to pretend I was fine. I should've known better, you always know the truth, and deceiving you was not a good plan, yet I tried. When that failed, I began to watch other friends fall away from me, from the rage and pain that consumed me, and you fell with them. I watched my close connections with so many disintegrate, along with ours. I saw you all begin to lean on each other, and realized that I was the trauma that bound you. That knowledge drove me mad. I fought and fought inside myself to be okay, to play it cool, not to make it worse.

But of course I made it worse. I was jealous and angry and volatile. The very epitome of what I don't want in your lives. Of what I don't want to be.

And yes, for many months the pain of losing you crushed me. I couldn't breathe without feeling the weight in my chest. I couldn't walk or drive past anywhere we'd been together, without heartbreak.

At this point, our friendship was formalities. We didn't see each other unless we had to, and talking was off the table. You began to keep secrets from me, and tell half-truths. I knew that that's what they were, and each time you told me one, I knew it was to avoid a fight, but my heart broke that that's where you thought that we were. That you felt you had to lie and sneak around to live your life.

You knew me better than anyone.

I was sad. I was negative. I was almost irredeemable.

But now, we are strangers. I don't know what the last eight months have done to you and for you, and you don't know what they've held for me.

Perhaps being on my own was good for me. For the first time in my life, I feel strong and independent. I wake up and go to sleep every night with a smile. When I get down about work, or school, or life, I stop and look at the big picture.

So again, yes, I was sad, I was negative, I was almost irredeemable.

But I'm not.

I am happy, I am optimistic, and by God, I have taken steps towards redeeming myself. I am reconciling with myself to become a person I can be proud of.

You knew me, but you don't know me. And for that, I am sorry. You deserved this version of me. You deserved the happy and the vibrant, not the storm cloud I carried around with me all hours of the day and night. You deserved to get as much as you gave, and you deserved to feel the love and respect that I had and still have for you in every word, touch, and action.

But you didn't, and for that, I am sorry.

I miss you. I love you. And most of all, I want the best for you. I hope your dreams come true, and that you have only those that make you happy in your life from now on. I loved the joy you carried with you always, it's what drew me to you. I want that back for you. Hopefully it is back. Because neither of us deserves to be the bitter, resentful people we became.

So good luck in life, and know that one day, I hope we won't be strangers anymore, but if we stay this way forever, I will feel only warmth towards you for the rest of my days.

Love You The Most (Always),

The Stranger That Was a Best Friend