Have you ever been in a relationship that at the time felt like a fairy tale, but it wasn’t until after the so-called perfect relationship ended you realized he was just a toad after all?
You weren’t a prince, not even close, so here’s a list of all my woes:
1. My blind following
There is an old saying, “Follow blind, end up dead.” A part of me knew that the path you led me on was the wrong one, but the other part of me didn’t care. The things you made me do, I knew weren’t my job. The lies I had to tell for you, I knew were wrong. Yet there I stood, a blind follower continuing behind you. As you drove us off the road into a ditch, I closed my eyes and followed. Like a sheep following the rest, I jumped off the cliff with you. Where did that leave me? Almost emotionally dead and physically alone. Do you know how many bridges I had to rebuild because of you? No, of course you don’t, because you didn’t care.
2. Losing myself and those around me
My family is everything to me, yet somehow you managed to pull me away from them as well. I was this young, impressionable girl who wanted to impress the boy who my parents didn’t like. I guess I thought I knew better. But I didn’t, I was an idiot. How blind I was to not hear their pleas, how stupid of me to not realize I didn't know better. I pushed them so far away that I almost lost them, however, I did lose myself. I stopped thinking about me, I thought only of you. What did you need, how could I give you more of me? How awful it was that I allowed you to consume me. You spread like wildfire destroying everything in your path, you didn’t care of the relationships I had built, you burnt them all down. You know the good thing about the aftermath of a wildfire? Things can begin to heal and grow anew.
3. The toxicity
Do you know what it’s like to overdose on a drug? Who am I kidding of course you do. But that’s what being with you was like, I was in constant need of a hit, and each time I did I died a little more inside. Being with you was like having a high fever for the entire course of our relationship. You hit me out of nowhere, you wiped out all the healthy things in life. You nearly killed me.
4. Pain followed by numbness
Even though I knew it was time, even though I knew it was necessary, leaving you was hard. I contemplated it for so long and was so unsure, but I know now that I made the right call. It broke me and left me shattered in pieces. I didn’t realize I had turned into a glass figure until I left you. I hurt, then I went numb. I felt nothing; I didn’t know how to feel. It was as if I had felt all the emotion that I could, then suddenly there was nothing. It was as if I was a walking zombie.
5. Healing process
It wasn’t easy, people would constantly say it just takes time. They’re wrong. It takes more than that; it took a rude wake up call, it took alcohol, and late nights staying up crying because I felt so stupid. It was every time someone asked how you’re doing, or asked how the wedding plans were going. Every small victory I made seemed overshadowed by a memory of you. Recovery from a wound takes time; it’s never easy, but it will come. It took me longer than I’d like to admit, but I got there, and I’d like to thank you for crushing me enough that once I got back up, I was 10 times the woman I was than when I was with you.
For anyone who has carried the burden of a narcissistic significant other, I’m here to tell you there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. In this story I didn’t get my prince charming, but I still got my happy ending.
