To the person I don't know anymore.
You know the saying, "One doesn't measure friendship by length of time only; depth of time is just as valuable."? That was who we were. We had only met a year ago, and now so much has changed.
Remember the first words I said to you? You thought I was a weird psycho. But who knew we would get so close in a matter of weeks. All those late night calls about your crush and your ridiculous psychic premonitions were what made you you. I remember when you were trying to be nice by giving me your jacket when I was sick only to get sick too. You were really mad about that. Oopsies.
We randomly just clicked. There was no awkwardness and somehow in that little time, you became my closest friend. We told each other everything from our fears to our secrets. We had so many similarities and you just understood me. You made me laugh when I didn't want to and most importantly, you were always there for me. Until you weren't.
This year was filled with afterschool adventures, Taco Thursdays (SOFT TACOS), ditching school (almost drop failing a class), late-night talks, tears, and laughter. Those were the good. But if I'm being honest, I wish you didn't come into my life. If I knew this was going to happen, I would've tried my best to avoid you. But then again, I would've failed at that.
I'm glad that you cutting me out of your life has improved your relationship with your girlfriend, also my friend. This may sound selfish but I regret getting you guys together. Admit it, without me there wouldn't be you and her. I didn't know she could be so insecure and possessive. I thought because I had a boyfriend and we were all friends, everything would be okay. But it wasn't. She couldn't stand our friendship and my presence. And then you guys broke up. I wasn't happy you know. The situation could have been handled in a much mature way. It was all of our faults.
Soon after, you told me that you guys got back together. That was what you wanted and I respected that. But we both knew that that came with a price. Our friendship. You couldn't keep dating her while being my best friend and vice versa. I never understood that. I won't ever let a relationship break my friendships. I would've chosen you as a friend over a boyfriend. But it was different for you. I'll always respect your decisions because it is your life but that doesn't mean I will like them.
When we agreed to throw away our friendship, I thought we would still talk and I would be a part of your life. I was wrong. Your choice meant cutting me off completely to the point where I don't know who you are anymore. It's painful seeing you everywhere because I don't know how to look at you anymore. I'm scared that our coincidental encounters will lead to her misunderstanding and you getting put into a position like last time.
You really hurt me. I'm glad that you have her and your new friends but it pains me to see that. It's like a slap to the face when I see you acting like nothing happened. Is it just me? Am I the only one that's hurting? Am I overreacting? Every time I look at you all these memories hit me like a truck. You know what's worse? Now, to me, it seems like your past year never had me in it. The sunrise, the day we opened up to each other and cried like babies, the stupid moments filled with laughter, and even our handshake seems like a sin. We didn't do anything wrong. We were just best friends. We both had significant others. But why do I have to feel like our friendship was a bad thing? Like you regret every moment?
I don't want to go through this pain again. People might think our friendship was weird or I'm overreacting but it still hurts like a bitch. I know I won't make relationships like this again. You know about my abandonment issues. Opening up to someone and letting yourself get close to them only to have them leave is something I don't want to experience again. I won't be making any more close friends as of now.
I don't want you to blame yourself. Despite what happened, I still wish the best for you and for you to be happy. If that's with her, then so be it. I'll always be curious to how you're doing and I'll always be there. Just like you, I'm a pushover. Despite all that's happened, and how I've been affected, I'll always be there to talk. But you don't need me anymore. You don't need me in your life. And maybe that's all I need to leave and let go.
I'm sorry to say this but you deserve better. You deserve better than someone that doesn't completely trust you. I know there is more to your relationship than I know, but you deserve better than someone that makes you break your friendships. I hope she treats you the way you deserve. With love, support, respect, and kindness. I hope she knows that deep down you have many scars and you are more sensitive than you seem. I hope the best for you now and in the future.
I know that time will heal. And hopefully, in the near future, I'll be able to think about you without getting that pain in my chest. Until then, forgive me if I ignore you or give you nasty looks. It will never be because I hate you. Never. I'm just in the process of healing and forgiving and learning to think about myself first. I know I hurt you as well. But I don't have the comfort in my life to worry about the person that caused me so much pain. I'm sorry. I really am.
Thank you or everything. Thank you for answering every phone call in my happy and sad moments. Thank you for being by my side when I'm crying and caring for me like no other. For being the person I can be myself around. For never letting me do something stupid alone. For telling me the truth in every situation. For giving me the bigger side of the blanket when we both were freezing our asses off trying to watch the sunrise. You know I have a thing for pictures. I really wish we took more pictures together but I guess the moments made up for them.
I'm sorry for the misunderstandings and what I'm about to do next. Please don't hate me for choosing me. I can't be fully content with my life with you in every corner of my memory and reality. You deserve the world and everything that it can offer. And we both deserve so much better. I'm learning to let go. If that requires me to stop talking to you, I'm going to do that. I'm sorry. What happened already happened so I don't want you to regret. Just be happy. Don't think about the past or what you could've done. I'm in the process of learning to forgive. I want you to forgive me too.
Maybe later on, we'll be able to talk to each other without these regrets and pain. But until then, thank you for being in my life. For knowing my feelings and thoughts with just one look. Thank you for showing me the real you and even though I don't know who you are anymore, I hope you never lose sight of what makes you who you are. I'll always love you and wish you the best. Thank you and Good Bye.
From your ex-best friend.