Best Friend,

I didn't understand why you would always bail on me after we had already made plans, or why you were always so tired. I didn't understand why you seemed resentful when I left for college, or why you never visited after the first week. I didn't understand why you began to pull away from everyone, especially me.

You were never the easiest person to understand -- you have always had quirks that made you, you. But in the last few months before you were admitted into the hospital, you made it impossible to understand anything that I thought I knew about you. That was really confusing for me. I didn't know if was something I had done or said and I was silently struggling (much less, of course) right along with you.

I have always seen the very best in you. I have always thought, even (in the dark days of middle school) before we became friends, that you are one of the most naturally beautiful people I have ever met. I always admired your softness, even with people you didn't know. I couldn't understand that you didn't see the same person that I (and everyone else) saw, staring back at you in the mirror.

The night that I received the texts from you telling me that you were in the hospital, going into in-patient care the very next day, was one of the craziest days of my life. On the drive to see you, I sat in silence, wondering what was going to happen to you in there, thinking to myself, "She's not crazy though, why is this happening?" When I saw you hooked up to the machines, listened to the monitor track your heartbeat and watched how carefully your mother moved about the room, I was scared. I don't know if you realized this at the time, but I have to admit, I was absolutely terrified. I cried the entire way home.

I don't think either of us saw what was lurking in the shadows coming, but it changed both of our lives. Without knowing it, your eating disorder made us better people.

Yes, watching you destroy your body hurt me. Seeing you struggle in almost every aspect of your life because of your eating disorder hurt me. Not knowing what was wrong for a long time hurt me. But what hurt the most was the fact that I felt so useless, that maybe I didn't do enough to help you, that I wasn't there for you like I should have been. I was selfish during the first few months of your recovery.

As silly (and obvious) as this now sounds, I realized that you weren't doing anything intentionally or to me specifically. You didn't want to stay home when everyone else went out, or purposely not visit me at school. Your eating disorder did that to you. It dragged you down and didn't let go, until you decided to ask for help in fighting back. I am so glad you did.

Seeing you now, as compared to seeing you during winter break or even in the hospital, makes me so happy because you are truly you again -- happy and free.

We've been through a lot separately and even more together, but I wouldn't trade our friendship for anything in the world because we make each other stronger. You have not only taught me so much about myself through your journey because I've had a chance to reflect, but you've destroyed the stigma around eating disorders for me and many, many others as well. I will be cheering you on for the rest of your life while you shatter that same stigma for others, one clueless person at a time.

I admire you even more now than I did before and every day I am so thankful that you are still here. I will always be right next to you to help fight all of your battles, even if I don't understand them.

Thank you for being unapologetically you. And remember you are never alone. I promise.

I love you endlessly,

Your Best Friend