You killed me. You killed the naive and super trusting me that I was my freshman year. You degraded me and made me into a puppet on a string, instead of a human being who has needs and desires. You treated me like absolute trash, and you used me. You never truly cared about me or wanting to be the one who would have truly loved me. You wanted to control me and use me, that's it. You constantly lied right through your teeth. You never cared about how your actions would impact my life. You just wanted to lose your virginity, no matter who you were with.
I died the day you first used me. My naive and trustworthy self should have seen you coming, and I should have never said yes. I should have never dated you or even really talked to you. I should have resisted your urges, and I should have walked away when I had the chance...But then again, I didn't know what was coming. I didn't know. I should have pressed charges against you when I had the chance, But I didn't. Now, every time I think of what happened, I think of all the other girls you probably have degraded and used, just like you did to me. I wonder how many girls you have dated or been with after me. I wonder why I never put a stop to what happened before you could have done it to some other poor girl. I wonder how many other lives I have screwed over because I was too much of a saint to put an end to your raiding crusade. I always wonder because I know you are still out there, lurking in the shadows, preying on another poor unfortunate soul.
I recently found your facebook, and I have no idea if I should be relieved, or if I should be scared. I have checked to see if you had a facebook before, and now I found it. I feel like I should be relieved to know that you have one so then I can keep tabs on you, just so then I can never see you in person again. Then again, I don't know if I should be scared, because I now know that you are still in the state, and I just really don't want to run into you ever again. I know the last time I ran into you, I played stupid and acted like I didn't know you, even though I was freaking out on the inside. I wonder if you actually realized it was me or not. I do have to say that I am glad you didn't notice and say something when I was playing dumb because I was terrified that you might have tried to hurt me or something. I guess that's just part of the effects from what you did to me. Because of you, I am terrified of it happening again, with anyone. I am still picking up the pieces after you broke me, still four almost five years later. Still paranoid if someone would hit me the same way or worse than you did, or if someone will touch me even after I push them away or say no, just like you did. I am still paranoid that one day someone will degrade me, just like you did, and I am still paranoid that someone will fall out of love with me because of the emotional scars you have left. I will always be afraid and paranoid, because of you.
I want to thank you. I want to thank you for giving me an experience that I can now call a life lesson. I want to thank you for making me grow up and learn how to deal with the motions of the tide of life. I grew up because of you. I grew into the person I am today, because of you. I am still picking up the pieces, slowly, but surely. So, thank you.