Dear Abusive Ex-Boyfriend,
I have no intention of ever speaking to you again, but there were some things I really wanted to get off of my chest. I have spent a really long time battling the symptoms of our toxic relationship; insecurity, abandonment issues and struggles with intimacy, just to name a few. What we had, and what you were to me, was a disease. An illness that only I had the remedy for, but no strength to actually take it. You may think that you understand the extent of the damage that you caused to me, but I don't think you do at all. I would like to say that at some point in my life I will be completely healed, but I can't say that it's entirely possible. What you did to me and how you made me feel isn't something that can be easily fixed.
I just want you to know a few things. Every time you left me alone in bed because video games were more important than I was, I died a little inside. Every time you called me fat or made fun of me, I died a little inside. Every time you pointed out how much more you wanted someone else, I died a little inside. Every time you went out with other women to drink and party, I died a little inside. Every time you came back from somewhere with hickeys from other women, I died a little inside. Every time you tried to hide me from your friends or pretended that you weren't in a relationship with me, I died a little inside. Every time you received explicit photos from other women, I died a little inside. Every time you got a notification from a singles app you shouldn't have been on, I died a little inside. Every time you put your hands on me, to either hurt me or to use me, I died a little inside. With every passing moment of our relationship, a bigger and bigger piece of me died.
But, I was the one being irrational? Because of all these things, I would have emotional breakdowns. I would struggle to sleep because of my anxiety. I didn't know who you were talking to, what you were doing or who you were with on any given night. I guess it was a lot easier to call me crazy than it was to accept that you were abusive. That you are a disgrace as a person and as a man. Instead of leaving, like I should have, I thought that getting married would be the way to save us. The way save me from the heartache you were causing. I wanted so badly to be a bride and a wife that I obsessed about marriage. You knew that because I had such a fixation on getting married, that you could use it to bait and manipulate me. You would say that if I didn't do something for you that you wouldn't marry me. I was so brainwashed that I believed it. In my heart of hearts, I believed that if I did whatever you asked of me that you would marry me. If I obeyed you, I would get what I wanted. Looking back now, I know that my obsession with marriage was a reaction to the abuse. It was how I coped with how you treated me. I also put distance between myself and those who truly loved me to deal with the abuse. I thought that if people saw what was really happening, they would see me how you saw me; weak and useless.
The relationship we had and how you treated me broke my heart, my soul and my spirit. The way you treated me became all that I knew. I was left so broken afterward that I couldn't love. I couldn't love anyone and I couldn't love myself. It caused me physical and mental pain to feel and express love. However, all things broken can slowly become mended.
Although it took me a long time to heal the wounds you've inflicted upon me, I am beginning to feel whole again. I love who I am. I know that I am a person of value and I know that I am worthy of love. You know what, though? Whenever something goes wrong in my life, I still blame myself. I still struggle with being able to believe that the things that don't go exactly right for me aren't necessarily my fault. I don't know if I'll ever be able to let that go. You broke my spirit to such a far extent that I still struggle to sleep at night at my anxiety has never recovered. Because of these things, these scars you've left, I'll never be the same. A part of me will always remain hollow because of all you took from me.
Looking back at my life with you and evaluating my life, I've learned something. I haven't spoken to you since I left but I did want to thank you for some things, surprisingly. I wanted to thank you for showing me what a real man doesn't do. I've found myself a real man and I love him with every ounce of my being. He never calls me names. He never guilts me or baits me into doing things for him. He never lays a hand on me except with love. He never sneaks around. He never compares me to other women. He never criticizes my physical appearance. He never chooses video games over me. He never makes me feel unloved.
Even though I hate you and I hate everything you did to me, I wish you all the happiness and love that you could never give to me. I hope that you and all of the women you leave in your wake have a happy life. I believe in karma and, if you haven't already, you will get what's coming to you.
Sincerely,
Me
