To My Absent Mother
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Relationships

To My Absent Mother

Actions speak louder than words.

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To My Absent Mother
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You have missed out on so much. I know you have Bipolar disorder, but that doesn't excuse you leaving me and my brother when we were little. I grew up with my dad while my brother grew up with Nana and Papaw. I know you can't understand how it feels to know that your own mother, the one who gave birth to you and who had carried you for nine odd months had left you. Nana was there for you and your sisters. That I know of, Nana never left you. I know my father isn't perfect, but you aren't either. I know you can't stand my father, but he IS the one who raised me and took care of me when you weren't there for the odd 18 years or so. You have bashed on my father ever since he first told me about you. You would be on the phone with me and tell me how "horrible" of a person he was. Honestly, the only person who truly knows my father, is me. I have lived with him for 19, almost 20 years, and he has been through like three or four girlfriends and a wife already. You only know about 3 years of him. I know almost 20. I know that dad has met your side of the family, but I am absolutely disgusted at how your side of the family acts almost as if my father is the plague. I know that when I was up there with you guys for those two weeks, that your side of the family seemed displeased with me, and I felt as if it had to do with the fact that I am my fathers child. I know I get some physical attributes from you, but I look more like my father to be honest. I might get my wavy hair and pale skin with LOTS of freckles from you, but I have my fathers hazel eyes and his "Idgaf" attitude from him.

I also know how you said that you two "Just weren't meant for each other", but you could have tried to be in my life when I was a lot younger. I know it must be "so hard" to have tried to be in my life, but this is the reason why I decided when I first was told about you and all the things you did, that I would NEVER abandon my own future children. I still stand by that promise. I know how it is to have one of my parents leave, and I don't think I could live with causing that much pain and damage to a child, especially if they were my own child. I can barely leave my dogs for a week without missing them, so I can't see myself leaving a child of mine. I know you can't go back in time to "fix" you leaving, but even if you could, I don't know if I would even want that. Ever since I first was told about you and my brother, I would always have people feel sorry for me when I told them. I always feel this kind of separation between me and the abandonment situation, as if it happened to me, but it has very little impact on my life. I HATE the feeling I get when people say "I'm sorry" and apologize when I tell them about what happened. I never really knew you, and honestly, you never seemed to care about trying to be in my life, and I feel as if it is better that you left. Yes there have been times when I felt like a complete mess and sad that you decided to walk out of my life, but I know that I am a stronger person for not having you entirely in my life. So whenever someone apologizes for what you did, it annoys me. It makes me want to walk away from the person because I don't need comforting for what happened when I was a baby. I don't need other people trying to apologize for the mistakes you have made. They are not responsible for what went down, so they shouldn't have to feel sorry for me. I know they are just trying to be polite and sympathetic, but it is not necessary. I am a stronger person for having my father play both the father and mother role for part of my life and know how vulnerable failed relationships can sometimes make you, rather than have you in my life and there be so much conflict and fighting and pettiness in my home life growing up.

You tend to play the victim card a lot, but I can see behind that façade. I have observed how you like to blame everyone else, and how you never seem to be satisfied because of how many men you have gone through in the last couple of years. I see how you like to run away from difficult situations, and how you fight back when me and my brother confront you, but then you back away from the conversation and try to cut the conversation short. I know that this is just how you are, so no matter how much I want you to try to realize what is really going on and to attempt to work on things like this, I know you wont. I love you, and I respect you for being my biological mother and giving me life, but you aren't able to fix or make up for what happened. I think the only way to show that you have "changed" in any way is to realize the things you have done, and realize that you can't just push it under the rug or blame my father for all your pain and suffering in your relationship with him. You both hurt each other, and neither of you realized it to the full extent. You both have emotional trauma because of it. You blame everything on him and you try to date other men to try to fill the void that you feel. Dad on the other hand also blames you, but he is so insecure about himself, and he tries to use humor to mask how he really feels. He feels lost and feels like he is never good enough for a relationship. So if you want to "make up for everything", Actions speak louder than words.

Sincerely,

your daughter.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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