To Me, From Me

To Me, From Me

A plea for forgiveness to myself, from myself
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To Myself,

I'm sorry for every ounce of hurt I've put you through.

I'm sorry for the hours and days I spent hating you, wishing you would change at the drop of a hat. The nights where I pulled at inches of my body and wished the extra skin would disappear or smooth out and become tighter, pulled so they snapped back like an elastic. I'm sorry for those times and those countless hours of obsessing over imperfection for I know I can never get them back.

I'm sorry for pushing you to your limit until you were panting, aching, screaming for me to take a break so you could rest your weary bones. I'm sorry for digging my nails into your pale skin and wishing I could carve this extract bit out of existence. I feel how much you've suffered every waking moment of my life and I will feel it until I die.

For the days where I deprived you of your energy source, I beg for your forgiveness. For the nights where I overindulged and punished you (because what was the point in eating well and being happy, right?), I know I am paying for it even now.

On the days where I feel as if I could touch the clouds, I can feel you singing your praises to me. I can feel you living fully and completely through me. Your energy is sent through my fingertips into the world and it feels as if you can do anything you put your mind and body to.

But then there are the days where you sink down into the abyss and I start to punish you again. Because I'm never satisfied and I don't know when or if that will ever happen again.

The times where I feel you truly living, I cherish. Because I know I will lose you.

I'm sorry for those times. I'm sorry for making you cry and feel lost. I'm sorry for the nights you spent alone in your room, isolating you from the people you love. You have every right to lash out at me, to cry and scream and ask "why".

I'm working to try and heal you; I'm trying everyday, I promise. I nourish you to the best of my ability to fuel you and make you feel alive and energetic. I try to keep you healthy and happy even when it's the last thing I might want to do.

I hope one day I can earn your forgiveness completely.

Until then, please let me keep trying.

Love,

Me

Cover Image Credit: Recovery Ranch

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A Love Letter To The Girl Who Cares Too Much About Everyone But Herself

You, the girl with a heart full of love and no place big enough to store it all.

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Our generation is so caught up in this notion that it's "cool" not to care about anything or anyone. I know you've tried to do just that.

I'm sure there was a brief moment where you genuinely believed you were capable of not caring, especially since you convinced everyone around you that you didn't. But that just isn't true, is it? Don't be ashamed of this, don't let anyone ridicule you for having emotions.

After everything life has put you through, you have still remained soft.

This is what makes you, you. This is what makes you beautiful. You care so deeply and love so boldly and it is incredible, never let the world take this from you.

Have Your Voice Heard: Become an Odyssey Creator

You are the girl who will give and give and give until you have absolutely nothing left. Some may see this as a weakness, an inconvenience, the perfect excuse to walk all over you. I know you try to make sense of it all, why someone you cared so much about would treat you the way they did.

You'll make excuses for them, rationalize it and turn it all around on yourself.

You'll tell yourself that maybe just maybe they will change even though you know deep down they won't. You gave them everything you had and it still feels as if they took it all and ran. When this happens, remind yourself that you are not a reflection of those who cannot love you. The way that people treat you does not define who you are. Tell yourself this every day, over and over until it sticks. Remind yourself that you are gold, darling, and sometimes they will prefer silver and that is OK.

I know you feel guilty when you have to say no to something, I know you feel like you are letting everyone you love down when you do. Listen to me, it is not your responsibility to tend to everyone else's feelings all the time. By all means, treat their feelings with care, but remember it is not the end of the world when you cannot help them right away.

Remember that it is OK to say no.

You don't have to take care of everyone else all the time. Sometimes it's OK to say no to lunch with your friends and just stay home in bed to watch Netflix when you need a minute for yourself. I know sometimes this is much easier said than done because you are worried about letting other people down, but please give it a try.

With all of this, please remember that you matter. Do not be afraid to take a step back and focus on yourself. You owe yourself the same kind of love and patience and kindness and everything that you have given everyone else. It is OK to think about and put yourself first. Do not feel guilty for taking care of yourself. You are so incredibly loved even when it doesn't feel like it, please always remember that. You cannot fill others up when your own cup is empty. Take care of yourself.

Cover Image Credit: Charcoal Alley

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The 3 Struggles That Optimistic, Open-Minded, Good-Hearted People Deal With

Am I wrong for wanting to see the "what might go rights" in this messed up world?

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In today's world, it is so hard to remain soft and kind. There is so much that goes on outside of ourselves, that influence the inside of ourselves. I believe that there exists a thin line between giving someone advice and telling them what to do, a thinner line between wishing to protect someone, and ruining something for them with the negative poison that comes with the "what might go wrongs." Don't be that person in someone's life, don't be the poison. Maybe I am naïve, but am I wrong for wanting to see the "what might go rights" in this messed up world? I don't think I am, and honestly, that is all that matters. Here are a few struggles that optimistic, open-minded, good-hearted people like me deal with every day.

1. Trying to explain that I'd rather get hurt than not give it a chance.

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I rather feel pain than nothing at all. I know you can't understand that because like most humans, you would rather avoid pain, because well, it hurts; but I will always try to explain myself to you because pain is so important to me and has been such a deciding and changing factor in my life. I am who I am because of all the hardships I have endured in my lifetime; and I kinda like this open-minded, loving, up and coming courageous person that I am developing into one non- regretful mistake at a time. Failure is the only way we truly learn, and I have fallen in love with the process of falling and getting back up better and stronger.

2. Getting the negative person to shut the hell up because they are contagious and draining AF. 

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As the soft-hearted person that I am, I have always had a hard time with confrontation. I do not like to raise my voice, or make people feel bad with my words, because I think that that is one of the worst things that a human can do to another; but I also very much do not like that I feel the need to explain myself to people. I feel like I need to open-minded the way that I am, why I am the way I am, why I do things the way I do.

Chances are these people don't deserve an explanation from me because chances are, they are close-minded people that have always, and will always believe that their way is the better way without so much as listening to what you have to say. I try because I truly believe that if they understood me, their life could change for the better and they could be rid of their negativity and open their minds to the world. My mother always says "Pick your battles" and I've never heard better advice.

3. Explaining why you get mad when the people you are with make fun of a stranger for their life choices. 

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Life choices are hard, creating yourself is hard, and harder every day as society tries to shape and mold us with its ideas of how things should or should not be, how we should act and look. Labels hurt, they ruin and end lives. I think people that stand up for what they believe and feel comfortable with their every choice are BRAVE. They should not be made fun of for not sticking to the status quo, the open-minded should be celebrated as rebels because in today's world the hardest thing you can do is be yourself. In a world of stereotypes, labels, and discrimination, all you want to do to save your heart and mental health is hide, copy and conform. I celebrate you rebels, I envy your courage, and I will always slap my close-minded friends when they're laughing at you.

Life is what I call an experimental process where things are constantly changing, and gears are constantly in motion, or at least I hope so. As long as I am alive, I will strive for change. I will always give chances, and I will always be looking to step out of my comfort zone and try new things because that is what living means to me; and I will always, always choose to see the good and the best in people because that is who I am. It also means falling and hurting, but that is part of the natural process of becoming better and stronger.

So, to all the haters out there you say, "bitch don't kill my vibe! this is how I chose to live my life, this is how I will continue to live it, stop telling me what I should and should not do." To all my lovely readers, I am not telling you to be reckless and dangerously naïve, because the goal is not to end our lives but to live them to the fullest. I want you to think a little less, but never stop thinking and listening to your intuition and common sense. I am telling you to believe in yourself and live your life how you wish to, ain't nothing in this world that's gonna to make you happier than living it the way you want to, no rules, no restrictions, no norms, no labels, no negativity, no society. Just you.

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