To Myself,
I'm sorry for every ounce of hurt I've put you through.
I'm sorry for the hours and days I spent hating you, wishing you would change at the drop of a hat. The nights where I pulled at inches of my body and wished the extra skin would disappear or smooth out and become tighter, pulled so they snapped back like an elastic. I'm sorry for those times and those countless hours of obsessing over imperfection for I know I can never get them back.
I'm sorry for pushing you to your limit until you were panting, aching, screaming for me to take a break so you could rest your weary bones. I'm sorry for digging my nails into your pale skin and wishing I could carve this extract bit out of existence. I feel how much you've suffered every waking moment of my life and I will feel it until I die.
For the days where I deprived you of your energy source, I beg for your forgiveness. For the nights where I overindulged and punished you (because what was the point in eating well and being happy, right?), I know I am paying for it even now.
On the days where I feel as if I could touch the clouds, I can feel you singing your praises to me. I can feel you living fully and completely through me. Your energy is sent through my fingertips into the world and it feels as if you can do anything you put your mind and body to.
But then there are the days where you sink down into the abyss and I start to punish you again. Because I'm never satisfied and I don't know when or if that will ever happen again.
The times where I feel you truly living, I cherish. Because I know I will lose you.
I'm sorry for those times. I'm sorry for making you cry and feel lost. I'm sorry for the nights you spent alone in your room, isolating you from the people you love. You have every right to lash out at me, to cry and scream and ask "why".
I'm working to try and heal you; I'm trying everyday, I promise. I nourish you to the best of my ability to fuel you and make you feel alive and energetic. I try to keep you healthy and happy even when it's the last thing I might want to do.
I hope one day I can earn your forgiveness completely.
Until then, please let me keep trying.
Love,
Me
