To Future Me,

Do you remember those early mornings during your high school years, riding the E from the heart of Queens to Chambers Street in TriBeCa for first period chemistry, calculus, computer science?

Do you remember those early mornings spent looking around that subway car when you didn’t have AP English readings to keep you occupied? Do you remember instead reading the faces of your fellow commuters? Do you remember the ones that read stoic, read dull, read routine, read uninspired?

Do you remember those early mornings when you decided that you never wanted to feel average, that you never wanted to feel like you were going through the motions, that you never wanted to feel like you were doing something that you already knew in your heart that you didn’t want to do?

Do you remember those early mornings realizing that you did not actually know what you want to do?

Did you ever figure that out?

Perhaps you did figure it out. Maybe it was just something that had to come with time, with taking in more of the advice and experiences of the great people you’ve had the pleasure of meeting, with just being able to get to know yourself that much more. Maybe it was just something that you were able to come by through one of those unexpected opportunities that turned into something much more than you could have expected.

Perhaps you did not figure it out. Maybe that ended up working just as well. Maybe you are just taking in as much experience and as diverse an experience as life has to offer you. Maybe one great opportunity had just led to another greater opportunity and this cycle has been going around and coming around with no end in sight and with no end being necessary. Maybe you just haven’t seen many of these opportunities, but you’re ready to jump on them as soon as they come.

One part of me tells me not to worry about you because if luck and serendipity were not on my side, my desire to have things work out and my ability to work towards that have made up for it. Another part of me tells me that I should be worrying a lot more than I currently am because the idea of who I will be is shrouded with so much uncertainty.

I am the type of person to absolutely value certainty and security. I am the type of person to find it difficult to handle turbulence in any context: academics, work, family, relationships.

One part of me tells me to trust the process. Another part of me tells me that not only is the process uncertain, the outcome of the process is just as, if not more so, uncertain. One part of me tells me that worrying about the process will only make the process that much harder to go through.

Future Me, you listened to the first part, right?

Future Me, you still believe in the self-fulfilling prophecy, right? You still believe that outcomes can be influenced not only by our efforts to reach them but by our belief that we want and that we will reach them, right? Has that belief served you right?

Future Me, can I just acknowledge how shitty the process is? Can I acknowledge how shitty the process is especially when you realize you’ve taken the wrong turn? I know that once you know you’ve taken the wrong turn you have to do all you can to get yourself back on the right path, that just going down that wrong turn will only lead to a wrong outcome, but can I acknowledge how shitty it is to be able to make that wrong turn? Can I acknowledge the seeming injustice that the best of intentions cannot guarantee the best of outcomes?

Still, Future Me, if true success came without hardship, then truly what would be the value of success?

Future Me, I want to think that things will work out and I want to do as much as I can to ensure they will work out, for both of our sakes. I know that nothing can get in the way of that resolve unless I let it get in the way.

Future Me, I won’t let anything get in the way.

From,

Past You Who Quit His Job For The First Time