I’m angry with you. As I get in line to share my condolences with your Mom, I see that she can barely stand. The dark shadows under her eyes have grown from each day you have spent in heaven. She leans against the pew, her violent tears making it hard for her to breathe. This isn’t real, this isn’t real. I glance up and am faced with the pictures your family chose to pay tribute to your life. Your smile captives my eyes in each and every photograph.
It’s my turn to face your Mom. I feel as if I let her down and failed you as a friend. As we exchange a hug, we share the guilt that will consume us until our very last day. I continue down the line to your younger brothers, your sister and your Dad. As I watch your brave father bow his head to cry, a small piece of me can’t help but to be angry with you.You left us here to tear apart our minds in hopes of finding an unanswerable question.
The guilt haunts me with every step I take. The thought of you constantly meanders throughout my mind. My condolences don’t come close to exceeding my sympathy of not seeing your cry for help. You were a fighter, and I know damn well you gave it everything. So, I’m sorry you won’t have the chance to walk across the stage for your diploma; you were the most intelligent person I knew. I’m sorry you won’t be spending the holidays at home, but I guarantee heaven has some pretty great parties. Most of all I’m sorry you won’t be able to live the rest of your life, because I know it would have been one to top them all.
I am truly sorry. It kills me to know the pain and sadness was so overwhelming that it lead to your death. To this day, I would still take that bullet for you. My promise to you is to take care of your family. I will answer the texts at 3 A.M. when your brother is crying himself to sleep, for another night in a row. I promise to keep reminding them how wonderful they were to you. I won’t stop communicating your unconditional love for them. And when they ask if they failed you, I promise to always be there to say no.
Thank you for teaching me life is precious. As I look around the crowded church, I watch everyone grieve for you. They weep for the life lessons you won’t have a chance to experience. They lower and shake their heads in hopes of waking up from this awful nightmare. My eyes slowly wander until they find you. Your casket is decorated with an abundance of flowers; but it does not compare to the beauty of your soul. As I stood up to say my last good-bye, I prayed. I prayed for your family and your eternal happiness. I tried to wrap my mind around it all, and quite simply, I failed. I’ll have to learn to accept the unknown, learn to live with my unanswered questions and learn how to return to living a normal life. I, along with everyone else, will have to come to terms with the agony we are forced to endure due to your loss; but for you, we will carry on. Jordan, thank you for teaching me some of the most important lessons in life. You have left me with some of the fondest memories to look back upon and I’ll forever miss your charming personality and smile.
Rest in Peace, JW.
Suicide Prevention Line: 1 (800) 273-8255
